Today was interesting. I was up at 5am with Toby so when Emma did her usual waking up at 5.30am I didn't try and fight it! We came downstairs for breakfast, getting an early start because we were due at the hospital for 9.45am. With Toby sleeping Emma and I were able to get dressed and ready, before the call came at 7.30am cancelling our appointment!! The doctor was sick.
I can't say I was too bothered about missing a routine appointment, but I had also planned to visit my lactation guru while there, so that was disappointing.
As I'm learning, Toby wakes up when he's hungry, not a few minutes before with a casual warning! So, today I was making the split second decision of trying to nurse, or grabbing a bottle which allays the crying faster (did I mention I have a hard time with the crying?) I opted to try the nursing a couple of times.
I don't remember the specifics, but I did end up crying my eyes out with a baby no more satisfied than before. As I've been told, nursing does hurt in the beginning, but it really doesn't feel much different than before his tongue clip. I also watched some videos on correct latch etc and he is just sucking, not drinking.
It may get easier in time, how much time no one can tell me. so in the meantime my decision is to either persevere alone, battling the emotional stress, getting frustrated with myself and my baby, or pump and bottle feed the baby. While the latter does not foster the same bond and 100% of the health benefits, I fear that pursuing the breastfeeding right now might actually be detrimental to my state of mind, and even the bond I feel with the baby.
I will look into the La Leche League and maybe seek support there, but if it comes down to me, myself and I, I think the choice is pretty clear. Not to mention the fact that Scott currently gives Toby a bottle about 11pm while I sleep, and that is huge.
Today when Emma was taking a nap her pulse-ox alarm went off and I had to run upstairs to see why she'd stopped breathing. That was a reminder that our situation is not "normal" and I do need to consider the needs of both children in my care.
This is an issue I'm struggling with, and I appreciate all of your encouragement and advice. The truth is that only I can make the decision (which I will always second-guess), and I have to believe that whatever it is, is not that big a deal!!
As you can imagine, right now the thought of having any more kids is a no-brainer, or at least a postponed conversation!! However, it's not because both of our children have physical issues. I have struggled with guilt about any possible role I could have played in Emma's medical problems, but I will not accept that our genes are responsible, (and there is no medical evidence to confirm it). I can't, because how will I be able to look her in the eye when she is older without hating myself.
Thankfully the Bible, the truth to which I hold firm, does not point the finger at us either.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Jeremiah 1:5a
1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
John 9: 1-3
Why are these scripture relevant? They confirm that we are who we are because God made us that way. He does not make mistakes, but he does do things we don't understand, or even like, for a purpose that maybe only he knows or understands.
It is through faith that we trust the Lord in his wisdom and are thankful for all things, good and bad, which bring us closer to him and his purpose for our lives.
So, whatever happens with Toby's tongue, and Emma's Moebius I will not allow the devil to steal the joy I have in my children with feelings of guilt and responsibility for something I can do nothing about.
I can't say I was too bothered about missing a routine appointment, but I had also planned to visit my lactation guru while there, so that was disappointing.
As I'm learning, Toby wakes up when he's hungry, not a few minutes before with a casual warning! So, today I was making the split second decision of trying to nurse, or grabbing a bottle which allays the crying faster (did I mention I have a hard time with the crying?) I opted to try the nursing a couple of times.
I don't remember the specifics, but I did end up crying my eyes out with a baby no more satisfied than before. As I've been told, nursing does hurt in the beginning, but it really doesn't feel much different than before his tongue clip. I also watched some videos on correct latch etc and he is just sucking, not drinking.
It may get easier in time, how much time no one can tell me. so in the meantime my decision is to either persevere alone, battling the emotional stress, getting frustrated with myself and my baby, or pump and bottle feed the baby. While the latter does not foster the same bond and 100% of the health benefits, I fear that pursuing the breastfeeding right now might actually be detrimental to my state of mind, and even the bond I feel with the baby.
I will look into the La Leche League and maybe seek support there, but if it comes down to me, myself and I, I think the choice is pretty clear. Not to mention the fact that Scott currently gives Toby a bottle about 11pm while I sleep, and that is huge.
Today when Emma was taking a nap her pulse-ox alarm went off and I had to run upstairs to see why she'd stopped breathing. That was a reminder that our situation is not "normal" and I do need to consider the needs of both children in my care.
This is an issue I'm struggling with, and I appreciate all of your encouragement and advice. The truth is that only I can make the decision (which I will always second-guess), and I have to believe that whatever it is, is not that big a deal!!
As you can imagine, right now the thought of having any more kids is a no-brainer, or at least a postponed conversation!! However, it's not because both of our children have physical issues. I have struggled with guilt about any possible role I could have played in Emma's medical problems, but I will not accept that our genes are responsible, (and there is no medical evidence to confirm it). I can't, because how will I be able to look her in the eye when she is older without hating myself.
Thankfully the Bible, the truth to which I hold firm, does not point the finger at us either.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139: 13-16
Jeremiah 1:5a
1As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
John 9: 1-3
Why are these scripture relevant? They confirm that we are who we are because God made us that way. He does not make mistakes, but he does do things we don't understand, or even like, for a purpose that maybe only he knows or understands.
It is through faith that we trust the Lord in his wisdom and are thankful for all things, good and bad, which bring us closer to him and his purpose for our lives.
So, whatever happens with Toby's tongue, and Emma's Moebius I will not allow the devil to steal the joy I have in my children with feelings of guilt and responsibility for something I can do nothing about.
2 comments:
Hi Debs ... firstly huge congrats on the birth of Toby he is gorgeous. I have been following your blog since you started it but even more since you announced you were pregnant as i was pregnant at the same time with my first and often laughed at how we were experiencing the same emotions and aches and pains !!! My little boy is 4 weeks old now and pretty much from day one i have bottle fed him. I did decide to try breastfeeding at the hospital but if i am honest i had bought bottles too as i decided to see how i felt at the time. There are numerous health benefits associated with breastfeeding and i admire those mums that do however i firmly believe that bottle feeding is absolutely fine too if you chose this option. The pros of bottle feeding in my opinion are that you can share the feeds (more sleep), both you and your partner get to bond equally from day one, you know how much there are taking at each feed, eaasier to establish a routine (less likely to have to demand feed). Anyway hun these are just my thoughts Joshua is now taking nearly 5oz every 3 hours and has just slept for 2 nights in a row for 8 hours without a feed so we must be doing something right !!! You are a fantastic mummy and are doing a fabulous job. A happy mummy is a happy baby and vice versa so follow your heart ... sleep deprivation is one of the toughest things about being a new mum. One last thing i found breastfeeding hurt too despite being told that he was latched on perfectly and a good feeder !!! Love n Hugs
Kelly G
P.S. Here is my hotmail address if you fancy a natter Gkellyandy@hotmail.com
Kelly is a very wise person.
my feelings exactly
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