Weekend Update

After working Saturday morning Scott was able to spend the rest of the weekend with Emma and I which was great. I even got a little nap on Saturday afternoon!!

On Sunday the weather cleared up in the afternoon for a few hours so we headed over to the park again. This time Emma tried a few more of the fun things to do. I was really surprised that she was so brave, but it was great.

Swings (again)

See-Saw

Roundabout



Slide

After dinner I put Emma into her pajamas, which she knows mean bedtime is coming, and she got pretty upset. I brought her downstairs as planned and sat with her in the rocker, to try and wind her down. She was fast asleep by 7.30pm and as you can see here didn't even notice when I put her down for a minute...

I put her to bed once I was sure she was out cold and she did not even rouse by the time we went to bed! I heard her cry once or twice in the night, but not for long and she woke up just before 6am. Not a bad nights sleep really, and she's in a good mood today!

Beverly was her nurse last night and I don't think Emma likes her. She is always crying in the morning whereas when Dorothy has her she is always sleeping when she leaves, and seems to sleep better. I'm not hugely fond of Beverly, although I'm sure she's very nice really, I just feel like she's very critical.

For example, I believe babies need to learn how to soothe themselves to sleep and can be left to cry it out, however how can you do that if during the night the child has a nurse who intervenes at any movement or noise (as they should to keep the CPAP in place and keep her sleeping). I don't quite know how to explain to Emma that during the day she has to do it herself, but not at night, and apparently she's confused too!

I appreciate her constructive advice, but I don't think she has thought through how her very presence makes my day job harder!!

Anyway, it's a good start to the week, and an answer to prayer. It's encouraging.

My personal goal this week is to stop pumping completely. I'm down to once a day, but I've had a headache since I cut out the second pump and some aches, so it makes me nervous about mastitis!

Park Life

this is day 3 of the sleep saga and I decided to stick with the cruel...kind approach! This morning I put Emma down for a nap at 9am, changed a dirty diaper at 9.30am and got her up at 10am. No, she didn't sleep, but the crying did slow at times! I figure even if she didn't sleep she'd get the message a bit quicker about naptimes!

Grandma Ellen came to play for a couple of hours and Mummy (me!) took a nap!

After my naptime and Emma's lunch we took a stroll around the block. The weather is very mild today so it was perfect for some fresh air therapy!

On the next street over there is a park that I have never taken Emma too so I thought we could check it out for a few minutes. It is great.

They have the usual park things, but the also have baby swings which I could not wait to try Emma in. She loved it!

When we got home I took a bit more time over putting her down for a nap and rocked her to almost asleep before laying her down. So far she's been asleep for 15 minutes!! Result!!

I guess I am learning perseverance!! I also woke up this morning much calmer. I realized that I need to trust myself to do what's right for us all and trust God to take care of the rest. After all, no matter how many PhD or Masters in medicine or child development can teach you how to love your child. And that is the most important thing because everything else flows out of that love. I may not always be right, but I'll always try my best.

Hope-less?

I am a goal-oriented person. That means I tend to assign goals to all the different aspects of my life and strive to achieve them. It is both a blessing and a curse. To others you look like someone who knows how to get what they want, and to get things done, which is often true. On the other hand it is difficult to know when to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. It is also very hard to swallow when a goal is not met or turns out to be immeasurable!

Having worked in sales for many years, with a financial goal to meet, and even personal goals like owning a home or being able to take a vacation, go out for dinner etc, have all perpetuated this goal drive.

So when it comes to one of my most important roles, Emma's mum, it stands to reason I would assign goals, and anticipated results, to my effort. And there are many!! Goals for feeding, strength, cognition, language, overall health, growth, personality, faith and happiness.

You would be wise to point out that many if not all of these goals are only partially effected by my actions! And that is not to say that my actions are not important, after all at this time I am the most significant person in Emma's life. I care for Emma 16 hours of the day (and if not sleeping, worrying for the others!). It is my responsibility to encourage developmental activities, provide nourishment and monitor her health.

What I think is frustrating me the most at this stage it that there are so many people weighing in with instructions on how to tend to Emma's needs in their specialist area, yet the sheer number of things is overwhelming and they are not all complimentary! I remember before Emma was born, or even diagnosed in utero, wondering how to best handle all the friendly advice you are expecting from well-meaning family and friends. Pah - if that was all!! Now it is a case of which Dr. or specialist takes priority!!

Even then, their best advice may not be right for Emma! Take her feeds. She seems to do okay, but the increased volume makes her fall asleep after the feed, only to wake up in a few minutes with gas! And feeling refreshed enough to not sleep longer!!

And all the experts in the world (or at least my world) probably can't tell me why on earth she will not go to sleep in her crib for me. (I'm leaning towards a separation anxiety theory right now.)

So really, my priority right now is to simply get through these days (weeks, months) of sleeplessness with as little trauma as possible. If it comes down to it, I may have to have her nap with me, because if I don't get some extra sleep ain't no-one gonna be happy!!

I know some of you are desperately urging me to look to God for strength in this time. And you'd be right that I have not been looking in the right place, aside from the desperate plea of "please help me" as the straw breaks the camels back. Perhaps this is why I'm sharing the struggle with you, because I needed to admit that I've been trying to do it all by myself, when that really is unnecessary if not plain crazy.

So this is my public surrender, a declaration that I have come to the end of myself and am found lacking. I can only pray (and will) that the Lord renews my mind, body and spirit so that I can handle what is to come and only take responsibility for that which is mine to take.

I'll keep you posted!

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1: 4

_______________________

Example: This morning Emma's awake and screaming, so I get up when the nurse is due to leave (despite very little sleep last night) and say that I'm giving in and bringing her on with me. The nurse proceeds to tell me that if Emma gets her way she will know that she can get her way and will go through life like that.

Wow, it hurts to be judged so early in the morning! And I felt the need to stand there and defend my decision to take care of myself and Emma by just getting us some sleep. By which time she was awake and I feel like a terrible mum and just bring her downstairs.

I wonder what it would be like to be able to make good decisions.

Same old...

Do you ever have one of those days at work where, even though you do enjoy your job, you wonder if you made the right career move or if there's something you're lacking? Well, I'm having one of those weeks!

I have no regrets about being a mum and I don't wish to return to an office (yet!), but I am having one of those days, well weeks actually. It's like I know in my head the stuff I'm supposed to do, for the most part, but it just doesn't seem to be working. I'm trying so hard to do it right.

Take the sleep issue for example. Emma did sleep yesterday afternoon for all of 30 minutes! Last night Scott put her to bed, awake and she did not make a peep! This morning I tried to have her take a nap. After 45 minutes of screaming, and my own frustration at extreme fatigue (they are tag-teaming me, these children!) I gave up. Thankfully I was off to get a haircut (an unrelated new source of frustration!).

When I came home tried to be more interactive, playing with Emma for a while before we tried nap time again. She fell asleep for 20 minutes in her chair during lunch and I left her hoping she would stay out. No. At 2pm I took her upstairs and she started to cling as she realized what was happening!

I left her in there screaming and busied myself. After about 20 minutes the cries were short and sporadic. After they'd stopped I took a peek...




It's really quite strange, and I didn't feel right just leaving her there. What if she cut off the circulation to her brain, or fell back and hit her head? I went and laid her down, which of course woke her up and she's been crying ever since.

It may take quite a few days of this routine for her to get it, but I am worried. She lost weight last week and the lack of sleep will only contribute more to that.

Te elation at yesterdays progress was short lived as I feel like we're moving backwards with things. I still don't know how to prioritize our time and constantly feel like whatever I should be doing I'm not. I wish I knew where I'd gone wrong.

Bedtime Battles

This morning I spoke to my Grandma online and she told me about a conversation her brother had had with a woman feeding her daughter by G-tube. He asked the woman about oral feedings and she said they had started feeding their little girl drinks. She doesn't have Moebius, but likely a cleft pallate.

When Emma's speech therapist came today I relayed the story and suggested we try Emma with some water. We're pretty sure she won't aspirate liquids, so why not. She agreed and we gave Emma some water in a cup.

She really seemed to enjoy it and was handling it very well. It was so exciting.

Later on though she was resisting nap time again. This time I decided to take her head on! I let her cry it out and kept laying her back down. I didn't know what to do an hour into it because I couldn't give in at that point!

I made sure she was okay and let her cry it out. When she stopped crying I could not resist checking on her. She was asleep alright, I just wasn't prepared for the unusual position...

We'll likely go through the whole thing again tomorrow!!

Recap.

It's already Tuesday! Time flies! Let's recap!

On Sunday evening Scott and I went to our Godson's birthday party at one of those huge indoor playgrounds. It's a lot of fun, but a veritable germ farm! I decided Emma should stay home because she is still getting over her cold and none of us could take another!!

We hoped she'd be awake when we got home, but we were later than I thought and she fell asleep just before. You can see, she was quite comfortable!!!


On Monday I ventured out with Emma, who'd been home all last week. Our first stop at a friends house was great and she was doing well, so I decided to drive down to the city with her to meet Scott for lunch. Big mistake! She was coughing and choking the whole way! When she did fall asleep I was scared she'd stop breathing. I thought those days were over, and hopefully she'll be better again soon.

When we got home she'd had a cat nap and was wide awake again! Check out the big smile on her face!!


Today Emma had occupational therapy and we tried something new - markers! She'd never seen one before and I was glad they are washable! In fact just a baby wipe cleaned her up, even the marks on her chin!

That's our week so far. My back is doing much better and i'm not so tired. Unfortunately I seem to have injured my wrist somehow and experience a lot of pain when I have to use my left hand. I don't think it's carpal tunnel, but there is no swelling, so I expect I've just pulled a tendon or something. Pregnancy really does a number on your body!!

Emma seems to be feeling much better. She slept through the night on Friday and Saturday, and took a couple naps (not in bed though!! One step at a time!). She is waking up at 6.30 am on the dot and when I went in to get her yesterday she was standing up crying and cried "mama" when she saw me!

Yes, it sucked me right in! Both mornings I've brought her in with us where she sleeps for another 2 or so hours! Emma on one side, Scott and I squished up on one pillow the other side!!

No fever for a couple of days and her breathing is much clearer.

I think the stress got to me though. After church today we stopped by a local supermarket, one we don't often use and I don't really like! When I came out I started ranting to Scott about what a horrible experience it was! The store is dark and cramped, the people are slow and rude. I complained that they don't have self-checkout and two kinds of french bread, but no Italian bread!

Scott calmly explained that they do in fact have self-checkout, and I had a loaf of Italian bread in my hands (not a small french loaf like I thought!!) I humbly admitted my mistake, but I still don't like that store!!

Today is Mother's Day in the UK, and while Scott refuses to let me have two mothers days (so unfair!) I did dress Emma up appropriately! Here she is in her cute [unofficial] Mother's Day outfit...

Check out the big smile!!

Dr. Emma

By the time we got to the doctors office (via the bank) Emma was in good spirits and really showing little sign of sickness. However she had a temperature of 100.9!

When the doctor came in and leaned over her Emma reached out for the stethoscope around her neck. She asked me if Emma would put it in her mouth! I said she might! She gave her the patient end which Emma promptly laid on her chest...

Both the doctor and I were astonished and I really shouldn't have been surprised. As I type she has the syringe and her g-tube and she's putting one into the other!! (The tube is not attached to her!!)

How poetic would it be if Emma grew up to be a doctor and saved lots of people!!

With regard to her ears, no change so we are going to leave her alone and keep and eye on it. I was invited to take her back at any point!!

In case you're wondering how I'm doing, better today! I'm still frustrated and tired - having a sick child is emotionally draining for any parent. For me it just compounds frustrations I have with the added complications of the CPAP etc. I'm still a work in progress and hopefully will grow in my ability to handle difficult situations!!

Emma managed to stay up all day yesterday, and was just starting to get fussy when Scott came home at 8pm. Thankfully he brought dinner with him and then held Emma until she fell asleep on him! He held her for about an hour, making sure she was out before putting her to bed already asleep.

We crept around until the nurse came at 10.30pm then went to bed. The nurse said that she slept until about 2am when she promptly pulled the CPAP off and stood up in bed! She was able to get her back to sleep until about 5.30am!

I took her out off bed at 6am with every intention of putting her down for a nap after her 8am feed. She fell asleep on me, as you might expect, and I was able to lay her on the sofa for a nap from 7am until 9am!

We have a pediatrician appointment at 10.30am to check on her ears and I'm hopeful it won't be worse. She hasn't really been indicating an ear infection.

She's in good spirits apart from all the congestion, which also seems to make her gag! No fevers overnight though!

Here she is after her nap watching Regis and Kelly...

Update

I tried to compromise and set up a makeshift bed on her floor, hoping that my proximity would be enough. It wasn't.

So now she is playing happily with her toys while I am trying to let it go, again!

I don't expect anyone else to understand what it's like to have to hook their child up to machines and tubes every time they go to sleep, or to have to unhok the same things before they can pick them up out of bed. In so many ways it's just like it was in the hospital, unable to move around freely.

However, the machines and tubes alone are not a problem (much). no, the problem right now is that my little girl refuses to sleep in her crib for more than 10 minutes, won't sleep in my bed or on the sofa unless I'm glued to her side, and the things you see on Supernanny and people suggest are not really feasible for her.

You see she is super tired, having not slept properly in more than a week (screaming at night, not napping during the day), and having a ball of mucus in the back of her throat that she can't swallow, cough or I can't suction! I don't think it's the trouble breathing that's really the issue, but the lack of sleep is going to make it tough for her to shake the cold she has.

I'm already feeling helpless, always on hand with Tylenol, like it's going to make it all better! Except now I'm exhausted too, frustrated and really at a loss to know what to do.

So right now, I have unhooked all the tubes and wires and she is standing in her crib screaming for me. Oh, I tried to be kind. I put her down after lunch, tired as she was and she slept for maybe 15 minutes. When she woke up I went in and laid her down again, and sat in the room with her. She pulled off the CPAP, and I let her after the 5th try. I sat there still and she was quiet for maybe 10 more minutes. And then she wanted to get up.

After laying her down a few times I couldn't take it anymore and left her in there alone. I don't know if she knows to lay down and go to sleep as we've not done this before. Last night I went in after a while and laid her down and she slept for a while. I do have to go back in because if she falls asleep I have to switch everything back on!

Such a small problem, and I'm so thankful she is as healthy as she is, but it feels like my head might explode if she doesn't go to sleep. If I let her get up she will whine and cling all afternoon,and right now, with tears stinging my eyes, I can't handle it. Yet I already know that's what I'll do, because I can't listen to my baby crying like that.

Why is it so hard to do the right thing, whatever that is!

Fever!!

Emma has been quite sick the past few days. Her dry cough graduated into a very wet one and last night she presented a fever of 101.2f. A fever is normal at the start of a sickness, but not so far into it. That said we headed down to the pediatricians office.

The nurse took her temperature there and it was 101.3f - I'd been taking it all morning and it hadn't gone near 100f, so I was surprised. The doctor checked her lung sounds for signs of pneumonia, but they were clear. The mucus tends to congest Emma's throat and nose, rather than head to her lungs, thank goodness.

He also checked in her ears and one was showing slight signs of inflammation - possibly another ear infection on the way! Most ear infections clear-up by themselves, but we are going back in a few days to see if it progresses. I'm not going to give her precautionary antibiotics when it wreaks such havoc on her guts.

She's in pretty good spirits, some of the time! When she's not clingy and whiny, she's very cute! On Sunday and this morning she was signing Grandma and shoving the phone at us! When we called Grandma Ellen she actually held the phone and "talked"! super cute.

When we were coming out of the doctors I saw an old friend from church who has two adopted daughters from Russia. One of the girls asked where Emma is from. I said she was mine, but she pointed out that she looks different. (The only other person to say so was the old lady in the restaurant who thought she was Chinese!!) I explained that Emma looks slightly different because of the Moebius syndrome and that satisfied her!

I'm glad to say I wasn't at all offended that she thought Emma looks different. After all, she does. And I welcome the opportunity to tell people what she has come through and how special she is.

Last night on 'House' the patient house saved said something that I firmly believe. She said "In this world, if there is no greater purpose for everything I've been through, then this isn't somewhere I want to be." Or something like that. I feel the same way. We firmly believe that God has a great purpose for each one of our lives and our experiences. If there was not God and no purpose, well, there would be no hope!

There's more to it than just hoping that there is a god and he has a purpose. Actually truly believing it means you live life differently. We hope baby #2 does not have to go through the same things Emma did, but if #2 does then we trust God has a great purpose for it, and will continue to give us the strength and faith to handle it. I couldn't live any other way!

My 'DH' (Darling Husband)

This afternoon I headed out to a friends baby shower. Traditionally for women only, I left Scott and a sick Emma at home. I don't go out without them much (if ever!) and appreciated Scott's willingness to stay home - he said he didn't mind when I came back, as long as I did!!

In the back of my mind I had hoped (and hinted) that it would be wonderful if he could clean up the kitchen, which was still a disaster after I cooked for a church event yesterday (don't judge me!!). I'm not sure I really anticipated he would.

After a long and thoroughly enjoyable afternoon (great job Mrs T.!!) I came home. I walked in to a very clean kitchen - I mean really clean, even the floors were cleaned! I was surprised and pleased.

Then I walked into the living room. (We have hardwood floors all through our house, and two rugs which are basically huge pieces of beige carpet.) The living room rug was missing! When Scott came downstairs I asked him where it was. Get this - he went and hired a rug cleaner, and cleaned both the rugs in the basement!! This was not only is that a seriously wonderful thing to do, it was also urgent - they've been down for over 2 years and we only just stopped allowing shoes on in the house!!

To top it off, Emma took a 3 hour nap during the whole thing!

I've said it before, but this time I really am going out more often!! jk!

(Picture taken earlier in the week, when not cleaning floors!)

Pain in the back!

I had every intention of working out to get in shape after Emma was born, I probably thought I would read more and cook too!! Ah, the naivety of the first-time mother!!

As it turned out the breast-feeding burned enough calories to drop all the weight I'd gained and keep it off. So while I new toning up would be good it wasn't a priority. Big mistake.

In case you didn't know, when a woman is pregnant her expanding uterus shifts her center of gravity and stretches out and weakens your abdominal muscles, changing your posture and putting a strain on your back. In addition, hormonal changes in pregnancy loosen your joints and the ligaments that attach your pelvic bones to your spine. This can make you feel less stable and cause pain when you walk, stand, sit for long periods, roll over in bed, get out of a low chair or the tub, bend, or lift things.

I knew all of this from the first time - it's why we're not supposed to lift heavy things!!

What I didn't realize is that because I did not regain the abdominal strength I had before the back pain would come easier! Add in a 16 month old toddler that can't walk and you have a recipe for some pain!!

It's only been annoying so far, but today I am in constant pain. Don't worry though, I'm getting through it!! Tylenol anyone?!

Sleep saga

The changing nature of a childs sleep pattern continues to drive me to distraction! Just as I figure out the new nap time and adjust, Emma starts playing up at night.

With two nurses and me tending to her from 8pm to 7am our techniques and responses vary. Unfortunately Emma is either confused or manipulating that fact! She has been waking up in the middle of the night and crying out for apparently no reason. Last night she went on for close to an hour.

The two nurses are very different in response. Dorothy is very affectionate and interactive so she will calm Emma, tlak to her for a bit and then get her back to sleep. Beverly, older with 4 grown kids, is more inclined to let her cry it out. that may be the better way, but I can't lay listening to Emma scream that long!

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask God to start providing a manual with each model of child!!

Even though I said I wouldn't get up last night unless called, I got up because she sounded like she was in pain with it. I got her some Tylenol and then tried to get her calm and comfortable. As soon as I left she started up again, so I guess I fell for it!

I know from myself that crying hysterically for a long time is not conducive to a restful sleep, so maybe that's why I am so susceptible.

While I was letting Beverly out Emma woke up, and for some reason I felt that she should totally go back to sleep and tried to work on that. I laid her back down every time she got up crying for about a half hour. And then I thought why shouldn't she get up at 7am.

Of course my frustration shows and rather than a loving hello, Emma gets picked up and brought downstairs without a word. She's just as perky and melting my heart, but I'm so confused on how best to handle the issue, and get consistency with the nurses, otherwise I see this recurring regularly!

As Judy suggested, the chicken was very juicy and I popped it back in for a few minutes right side up, so the skin was crispy all over!! Perhaps i am actually a cooking genius!! ;-)

Scott is enjoying having good food ready when he gets home, so much so that he does the dishes and takes Emma to bed!!

Now that is a result!

Martha Stewart I'm not!

In an effort to be more frugal, useful and healthy I am trying to cook more at home. Of course a lot of the process is trial and error, especially as I only have snatched minutes while Emma doesn't notice I'm gone!!

I've been watching the Food Network (not advised for a pregnant woman that loves food!) and felt emboldened to try a roast chicken, which my friend assured me is actually easy.

As you can see, my first attempt looks (and smells) delicious...
However, some of you may notice I cooked the bird upside down!!! Oh well, I have another in the freezer that I'll get right!

Emma's been very clingy the past few days and won't let me do anything without her. it's quite draining, but I did catch this moment where she got up by herself with the walker!!

Day by Day

One of the side effects of being pregnant is that my milk production is at an all time low. Rather than wait until the last minute to transfer Emma over to formula completely we have switched most of her feeds over to the special formula she had been getting twice a day, and she now only gets my milk twice a day.

It's going to take a few days to see if she tolerates it well, so in the meantime I'm freezing whatever surplus milk I do produce. I didn't have any containers so today Emma and I popped out to Babies R'Us for some storage bags. No big deal, except I can't remember the last time I even wanted to do errands with Emma! Apparently the new car makes even the most mundane trips appealing!

Emma had fun, she loves sitting in shopping carts for some reason!

On another note, our sleep routine seems to have changed. The "experts" say that between 12-18 months children move from two naps to one a day. No matter how much sleep Emma gets at night I can get her to take no more than one nap, so I guess we've made that transition!!

I need the extra sleep more than ever since I have to get up 3/4 times a night to use the bathroom! So, if I don't answer the phone in the early afternoon, well just don't call in the early afternoon!!

Scott's working extended hours for the next few months so it's good I'm moving into the 2nd trimester, the one with all the energy!

It's official!

When you've been dating for a while people start to ask when you're getting married! When you get married people immediately ask when you'll have a baby. Then, when your baby turns one they ask if/when you'll have more!

If you're one of these people I can give you an answer!

We decided early on that we wanted Emma to have a little brother or sister, regardless of the chances they would also have Moebius or Gastroschisis (which we believe is the same chance as anyone else). There are endless opinions on the optimal time between children, but we both feel that sooner is better, so before Emma's second birthday would be great. How does September 22, 2009 sound?

That's right, Scott and I are having another baby. Emma will be a big sister!!

We did not announce it sooner because we knew there would be a lot of questions and we wanted to be able to answer them. I'm sure there will still be many we can't answer, or don't want to, but we do feel more prepared now!

Anyway, I've kept a little weekly diary so you can catch up on what's been happening behind the scenes!!

Week 5:
January 22 I decide to take a pregnancy test. Scott was home, with no work and not feeling great, so when I had him close his eyes, and open them to see this:
he said "that's the scariest thing I've ever seen!!" The shock didn't last for long and we were both pleased. It was still really early, too early to get excited, but we did decide to tell our closest friends and family. The responses were mixed, either "you're crazy" or "that's great" (but we knew they thought we were crazy!!).

I am determined to not gain as much weight as I did with Emma, and being home should help because I can eat healthier snacks whenever. I have not had any symptoms yet, other than a little backache from lifting Emma!

We have decided to move Emma into the guest bedroom which is bigger than hers. Despite being a younger child myself I feel that as the eldest she can claim the bigger room (for now! My sister and I swapped endlessly!). Plus she has all the equipment and a nurse in there, so it will be more comfortable for all.

Week 6:
This week I went for a haircut. No big deal? Have you missed the last few haircuts?! Anyway, this time I was very happy with it. It is pretty short which means it's easier to handle, still looks great if I don't wash it when I get up, and is way quicker! Just what I need.

I'm tracking the development of the baby on Babycenter.com. I am acutely aware that the major developments occur before week 10. This is the time the organs form, and would be when a gastroschisis would occur etc. There is nothing I can be sure will help the baby to be healthy, but I am avoiding as many possible irritants as I can. That includes foods, chemicals and stress!

After the first ultrasound (between 16-20 weeks) I think I will relax a bit more. We had an ultrasound with Emma at 8 weeks and it did not pick up any problems, so I am not interested in getting an early one this time. Besides, it won't change anything!

Week 7:
I scheduled my first pre-natal check-up for next week. No point in rushing it! I also checked into our insurance coverage etc. Somehow I'll be able to coordinate Emma's and my appointments!!

The week starts with a terrible headache and nausea. Great! Only 5 more weeks to the end of the first trimester (and nausea, I hope!). It's on days like this that I wonder what made me think I could do it all again. Then Emma comes over and starts tickling my belly and I forget the anxiety, for a few minutes!

It's a tough week though. Feeling sick, having less energy and concerns about the future takes a toll on your self-esteem. Scott is exhausted from working so hard too, so it's tough on us both. Hopefully we'll find some time to go on a date soon.

Week 8:
Today was my first midwife appointment. The midwife I see (Moon) was my midwife when I got pregnant with Emma, before we transferred to Children's hospital. I really like her and she has shown continued interest in our family. She was thrilled about baby#2, and I already feel the support she will show us emotionally as well.

The only thing is I'm not that keen on the hospital they deliver at, but I am not going to worry about it until the 20-week ultrasound that should let us know if we will need specialty care! One good thing is it's only 5 minutes from home!

My due date is confirmed at September 22, 2009, a good 6+weeks before Emma's birthday. A perfect spread!

It's starting to feel more real, but most exciting today is the reactivation of a ritual I instituted when I was pregnant with Emma! On the days I have a prenatal visit, we get Indian food for dinner!! (I love Indian food and it's a nice way to connect with the UK!!) As we haven't had a date in a while we're going to eat at the restaurant!! Mmmmm, chicken Tikka Masala!

This week I ate a bag of caramel popcorn during church, last week it was a bag of cheese curls. I simply can't go for 2 hours in the morning without eating, constantly! I'm not sure if I should be concerned that no-one seems to think this huge appetite is unusual!!

I also found out I have urinary tract infection. It presented a tough decision about taking medication because I am trying so hard to avoid any substances that could potentially harm either baby! The risk of me getting a kidney infection won out as it would be bad for all three of us!

Week 9:
I don't know if the nausea is worse this time or I just have more time to think about it! One thing is for sure, being able to make food whenever I need to is such a blessing! There was no making eggs in the office mid-morning!!

I do feel that it's different from last time because thinking about any food or drink makes me want to throw-up, as does the smell! If I think of something that doesn't, then that is what I'll eat, but stuff tastes different too!

I am also exhausted. Everything is so much effort and I can't get enough sleep. Second trimester will be better, right?

The doctors and I are planning to transfer Emma over to formula by June as my milk supply is likely to dry-up completely toward the end of the pregnancy. I'm looking forward to it, a few months of no pumping!! When the baby comes I'll be trying nursing for the first time.

Week 10:
This weekend I had nausea like never before. I could think of nothing to eat or drink thatdid not invoke the gag reflex, and therefore I ate very little, making me weak! Thankfully by Monday my appetite was back, but I was cautious.

There is a consensus that I am expecting a boy - what else would cause so much trouble!! Besides all the food that I crave is savory and I've had little interest in dessert. Who knows, but that's what they say!! I'm pretty sure we are going to ask the sex, even just so I can make plans.

According to the pregnancy calculator all the babies organs are in place, which we hope includes the intestines!!

I did get mad this week. I read some posts on a baby site about testing and handling problems that show up. I know I was different last time, but I just wish I could tell all the moms out there that if your baby does turn out to be sick you can handle it! You just need to have hope and faith (in Jesus!).

Hope and faith that does not depend on your strength or knowledge. I hate that women might have abortions , let alone based on tests that will not answer how well your child, and you will function in the future!! Or they don't tell you what purpose that child has to do good in the world.

Week 11:
The nausea has subsided but my appetite is still modest! I have not gained any weight, which to me is a miracle! I was thrilled that I can still get in my jeans, which is good because I went through my maternity clothes and they are all for someone about 20lbs heavier (not including bump!). I am hoping to avoid them fitting!!

Fatigue is still major, but I'm dealing with it! Scott's working as much as possible which is tough on us all, but we're "making hay($) while the sun shines!"

I went to the dentist this week for the first time in 2 years. The first conversation went like this:
Hygienist: "Hi, I'm going to take some shots of your teeth blah blah blah."
Me: " I am not getting X-rays. I'm Pregnant!!!" (I said it nicely with a smile!)
Hygienist: "Oh, okay, the dentist will talk to you about that!"

As I expected he did not feel the need to "irradiate" me! Unfortunately though he did think my being pregnant was the go ahead to tell me how his wife got pregnant with their third. You do not want to hear the words "rhythm method" from a middle age man with his hands in your mouth.

Week 12:
Our new car is going to be a Godsend the next few months! As I get bigger getting into the Explorer gets harder, so now I won't have to worry. Same goes for getting Emma in and out. We also have space for baby #2 and any additional passengers/cargo.

Scott was worried he'd feel really old if we got a minivan but the features and benefits have avoided that! As it turned out, the Explorer started smoking a couple of days after we got the van! How's that for timing.

Today we heard baby #2 heart beat for the first time. It brought up many mixed emotions. It really is the first time you realize there's an actual person in there, and that this person will eventually be out in the open for you to take care of! And now I'm really anxious, after a day with tired cranky Emma how on earth will I mange with two...?

Hopefully it will be a little easier now that people know!!!

TV Addicts

The American Pediatric Assoc. recommends children under 2 do not watch any TV. I don't know if that includes them watching my TV shows!! (I suspect it does.) However it has become very clear we are way beyond that. Convicted about our TV habit (on most of the day for background noise and entertainment) I turned off the TV this morning. Emma promptly picked up the remote and handed it back to me!

I didn't sleep well last night, and Emma, who got up too early, is not feeling well (diarrhea again and even threw up) so I could not handle the crying and whiney noises for long and turned TV back on. Emma is currently leaning against my leg, watching Regis and Kelly.

Aside from that, we put the signing DVD on at least 3 times a day to keep Emma occupied while she gets tube feeds in her chair. As you can see below, one of the additional times it was on, Emma loves the DVDs and we justify it as increasing her brain power!!

I'll work on it again tomorrow.

When life gives you lemons...

New Car Smell

If you've been with us for a while you'll be familiar with the saga that our cars have created! Neither being very reliable, and only one being suitable for a baby seat, we knew it was only a matter of time before we'd need to replace one. This week the Explorer started to, well, not start or just die! That's not permissible when you have to drive through a rough part of the city regularly!!

Unlike buying a house where you [used to] know that it will likely appreciate in value over time, a car is an investment you are almost certain to lose money on immediately, but can get much value from. Appropriately we have spent months considering the options - models, makes, year etc.

This week we went to look at my favorite, a 2008 KIA Sedona (used, but only 6 months old! That's basically new and smells like it!). After prayer and careful consideration we decided to get the vehicle and picked it up on Saturday. I'm so glad we did!

The Sedona is a 7-seater minivan. Probably the most common family car in the US, not just because of family size, but because we use our cars for everything! (In the UK people fly to distant destinations, and cars are often small, like a Focus. It's very different than here, where a car like that would be crushed by one of the giant SUV's that hog the road!)

There are too many awesome features to list them all, but here are my favorites:
Back seats that fold into the floor, with ease!
Electric back windows that roll down!
Space between seats that allows us to get to Emma quickly when we're on the road (instead of climbing over seats!)
A lower floor and wider access with the sliding back doors makes getting the baby in and out SO easy!

Having the Explorer was great, but the Sedona has already made transporting Emma much much easier, and more inviting!

Scott loves the Sedona, not least because it accelerates quickly and smoothly. Not a feature of either of the other cars for a few years! It wasn't until I'd been driving by myself in it that I realized how great the brakes are too. I can stop smoothly and quickly without fear of skidding - I hadn't even realized I'd felt like that until I didn't! And that is the best feature of all, braking and acceleration that will keep us as safe as our driving will allow - and no more running red lights!

One of Scott's friends also donated a DVD player for us to use on long journeys! (Uh, lucky are we?!) Emma is a good traveller but we can only push it so far. I guess Baby Signing Time will be coming with us on vacation!

It has not escaped our notice how truly blessed we are to be able to even consider getting a new vehicle in today's climate. Waiting until the cars broke down really wouldn't have been smart, your forced to make a quick purchase!!And no-one knows what the future holds, so we are stepping out in faith that this was the right decision, and feel at peace with that.

Live safe or be brave!! (Our motto for the year!!)

Finally!

We went out tonight to get a new baby gate. You see Emma is more determined to get up those stairs and our other gate does not function well at the uneven opening! Last night Scott let Emma climb the staircase to go for her bath! She loved it and clearly got a taste for the high life. Today while I got a bowl of cereal she made it to the 4th stair!

While we were out we picked up a few toys for Emma, including some giant lego bricks. I loved lego as a kid so I hope she does too, I'll be happy to play with her!!

And of course, I finally got some batteries for the camera. So without further ado, here's a giant fix of Emma...

This morning Emma woke up after 12 hours of sleep!! I am so relieved when she sleeps that well. I know she will be growing and she's just so much happier! You know when she's had enough sleep because she will stand up in her crib and wait, she doesn't cry or call! We know shes up because you can hear the crib rattle and her pulseox doesn't pick-up.

I wonder if nap-time will happen today!

When I went in this morning I noticed she had a crusty nose. In fact her entire right nostril was completely crusted over, except for a hole where the CPAP tube went in!! (My Grandma's cringing right now, but it was so funny I had to share!!)

We are in the midst of a huge (6-10") snowstorm today so Scott had off work. Emma's late start meant we had time to breakfast together, which was a rare treat! Unfortunately he is going to do some side work for a few hours, so it feels like any other Monday.

It's over!!

Last week was a tough one, which is why I didn't get time to blog! Why you ask? Let me tell you...

Early in the week Emma started drooling a lot. Thursday morning she was up at 5am, and luckily Dorothy was the nurse, and only to happy to play with her! Friday morning Beverly was on and she just let Emma cry it out! she kept dozing off again, but at 5.45am I couldn't stand the crying anymore. (That's right, just because I don't get up, doesn't mean I don't get disturbed sleep!!)

Throughout the week her naps had diminished to where I was finding it impossible to get her to sleep for more than 45 minutes unless it was with me, and bedtimes were horrible!

On Friday, the one year anniversary of Emma's homecoming (wow, that crept up!) I was at the end of my tether. When Scott came home Emma was standing in her crib crying and I was laying on my bed doing the same! I was so tired and just wanted an hour to take a shower and some 'me-time'.

Apparently the fatigue brought up a ton of emotions and I started ruminating on my sense of failure and fear! I have this fear that it won't be long before I become this personality-deficient drone with nothing more to talk about than the housework and kids schedule! And in doing so I'll be failing Scott and Emma because I want to give them more than that.

Scott was quick to reassure me that I have plenty of personality and, well, he reassured me! He is good at that!

On Saturday when I got up Emma was again up early, but she was very distressed. She was not comforted easily by me and only after some Tylenol kicked in. She was showing a variety of symptoms - poking her ear, rubbing a watery eye, runny nose and drooling. The nurse 'du jour' suggested taking her to the pediatrician. (I was feeling much better on Saturday, and once I knew that Emma wasn't feeling good I was buoyed to know I might be able to help her!)

Very pleased to find her primary doctor was doing Saturday duty and we got to see her - love her!! She was nervous about an ear infection too, since Emma's still on meds to get rid of the diarrhea from the last one! Her ears looked great and we concluded that she is teething - big time! she has about 5 teeth coming through, and that includes to mis-aligned canines!

We checked her eye and I was relieved that she had not scratched her cornea. I think it was just irritated because I noticed it's not closing fully when she sleeps, plusher odd napping means I have not been routine with the gel she gets at sleep time.

She slept for 11 hours last night and will hopefully sleep again tonight. As for me, I am sure my feelings are the same for most stay-at-home mothers. Women who go back to work struggle with feelings of not being there for their kids (I assume), whereas we (or I at least) feel like in some way I will be less of a whole person because I am in the home all day!! Women - we can't win!!

One thing I have realized more is that I need to seek validation outside of my role as wife and mother, from elsewhere than the people in my life, and definitely not from my critical self. Where can I get such validation? From the One who created me, knows my every thought and desire, loves me beyond my comprehension and has a real purpose for me that only I can fulfil. I am unique, loved and special and that will not change no matter how I feel or screw up! Thank God!!