D'oh

I feel like an idiot!  I'm actually angry at myself, and thought about taking Sunday's post down.  But I'm not about to start hiding my flaws now!  I'm weak, I fall to the same temptations as other people at times - but I can not allow myself to stay down.

How anxious have I been about people judging my little girl, who has a big belly because her intestines were not in there when she was formed!  She's not fat!  Her belly, with it's numerous scars and distinct button, is a miracle of healing and medicine.

Unfortunately I can't explain that to everyone we meet, and I'm hesitant to even try, because judging is something people do.  We all do it.  And I don't want Emma to be self-conscious about something that is kind of normal.

I don't know if sub-consciously I worried people will judge me as a parent.  Let them.  I have done the best I can.

I still want to protect Emma from the mean-ness of other kids and people, but as a good friend pointed out, that's inevitable.  Who has not experienced bullying and teasing?!

I will continue to teach her what I have all along - some people will be mean, and they're entitled to their opinion.  That does not mean they are right.  Look to the opinions of those you love, respect and trust, and even then you may find meanies!  God alone can provide the true value of who we are, as He created us and knows why, how and who we are to Him.

Additionally, you should be above reproach (or in words for a 5 year old...) - you don't be mean to other people, treat them as you would want to be treated.  Be someone people can trust and respect, the best deterrent for bullies.

It seems I still have a lot of growing up to do.  Healing old wounds, revisiting how to forgive

Perspective

I can be a bit slow on the uptake at times, and I'm thankful God is patient and merciful towards me.

My last post about Emma starting school was very candid and probably showed a little of my own insecurities.  But what it also showed is how very quickly we lose perspective and get sucked into a worldly pattern of thinking.

As Emma packed up her little handbag with dolls to take to Nannas this morning, it was hard not to flash back a few years.

There was a time not so long ago that we fretted about whether we should have the nurse accompany her to school to give bolus tube feeds, and we would cover the night shift, watching over her breathing with the CPAP machine.

We wondered if the other kids and teachers would understand her speech, or if she would be able to communicate her needs.

As those prayers were answered, over and abundantly beyond our bravest expectations, those concerns disappeared.

However, it is true that so quickly new fears will come along and take their place, so used to looking for worst case scenario as I am!

In 1 John 4:18 the Bible says 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

This was always confusing to me, but I've begun to understand that when I abide/dwell/focus on God's love for Emma, and me, that fear has no place.

He promises purpose, protection, strength and reward.  It's enough to make you fearless, when you believe.

And so it is, when I reframe the story into God's purpose for Emma, and who he has made her inside, I am able to let go of the urge to make her conform to what the world would say is ordinary.

She will never be ordinary, she is already extraordinary!

Making changes

As school time looms ever closer, my concerns for Emma increase.  I'm not worried about her intelligence, manners, social skills or even leaving her.  She couldn't be more excited and that's great.

My concerns are that the experience will meet her expectations.  New kids are shy with each other normally, so I'm sure she'll encounter that.  

I'm not sure if it's my own experiences and awareness of prejudices, but as much as I'm concerned kids may struggle with her facial differences, she is also getting bigger.  I don't mean height wise - she's about the same height as Toby, and other 4-5 year olds.  But increasingly she is developing a large belly and and needing 6x clothes.

We try so hard to encourage her to not eat too much.  We never use the F word (fat), but instead focus on greed and self-control.  Not least because she gets gas trapped in her belly and is in agony until it eases.

And since she refuses to pull her pants up over her belly, it hangs out the bottom of her shirts!  

Now, I realize it is not too bad, or at least the doctors are not concerned, however they are not thinking about how tough it is for her to keep up with the other kids already, or that I can't buy her new clothes for the fall because to fit her torso, the arms are way too long.

All else being equal maybe I wouldn't care so much.  But since she is a) a girl and b) she is going to face prejudice for looking different, it breaks my heart that she might get picked on for being the fat kid.  Hopefully that's a way off in the future and we have time to help her be healthy and active.

I can't help but feel guilty that when we started feeding her 4 years ago we never thought about what she needed to eat, just that we needed her to eat enough to get off the feeding tube.  Looking back we were short-sighted, but also without guidance in a unique situation.

I'm not the best at making healthy choices, so I feel I failed her there also.  

It's up to us to provide healthy options, restrict the snacks and large portions, and become an active family.  We're starting with us, having both completed Insanity and adding "juicing" to our diet (smoothies with both fruit and veggies as a meal). 

All I know is that I love this little girl with all my heart and I don't want her to face bullying for something we can help with.

Footie

He'll play for England yet!!

More of our day!

Some other great pics from today...

And from an entirely different party, we got to meet Sean from the Sprout kids channel (Brits, think Philip Schofield in the nineties!!)

We also celebrated the second birthday of this absolute cutie, Bella!  You might remember her sisters digging dirt in dress-up with Emma a while back!  I just had to include this because she's so cute!!

Flashback

Wednesday was Aaron's 5th birthday.  I remember when he was less than a month old, 10 mth old Emma holding him.  They've both grown a lot...

Date

OI was in the bathroom this morning when I heard Emma stirring, and her usual exaggerated yawn (she's drama 24/7)!

A split second later she said to herself "today's my date with Kim!"  And with that she jumped out of bed to run and tell me.

Kimberly (Scott's youngest sister) is off from her summer job this week and promised to take Emma to lunch.  Then she gave her a manicure and pedicure at home!

I got this picture at work, with the caption: "wow, I feel so relaxed!"

She's all diva!!

Family Selfie!!

Little big man

Toby wants to be just like his Daddy, so Scott let him have a mini deodorant to be  just like him.

After his bath, he ran upstairs saying he had to get something.  He came back with the deodorant and we showed him how to use it!

Beach Day

(Posted July 5, but didn't go through!)

Thursday was a national holiday (independence day, blah, blah ;), so Scott was off work.  He took Friday off too, and we made two day trips to the beach.

It was the first time both kids were fine with the sand, happy to walk themselves instead of being carried or in the stroller.  Emma was happy rolling in the sand or swimming in a rough ocean.  Toby, he avoided the water!

Scott refused to bury Emma on day two because we were getting ready to leave. She opted to bury herself!

We also hit the boardwalk for dinner, mini-golf and rides...

The kids were tired out and slept the whole way home both days!  It worked out well and we are planning more daytrips over the summer instead of a full vacation.

Complete Insanity

Nine weeks ago I started a workout program called "Insanity".  You might have seen it in TV commercials, billed as the hardest workout on DVD.  All I knew was it promised results in two months, and a friend had pictures of herself to prove it.

Now I used to go to the gym a few times a week, even had a personal trainer occasionally, but that was nine years ago!  Since then I've done nothing but the occasional Pilates workout, which I liked because it didn't make me sweat!

Day one of Insanity was a shock to my system, but I was spurred on by frustrations with my inconsistent waistline and genuine fear that should I need to exert effort to rescue my kids in the future I would not be able.

Accountability is huge with making big life changes, and working out six days a week, at 5am is a big change.  Knowing Scott does not like to put himself in the line of my fire, I knew I'd need outside help!  So I posted on Facebook.

Nothing like declaring your intentions to 150 people in your life!!

Sure enough there were detractors, which acted as negative reinforcement, but for the most part I got a lot of support and encouragement.  Confirmation that I have a great number of positive, living people in my life.

I kept updating my followers of my progress, and after two weeks Scott decided he needed to join the Insanity!  Other friends started letting me know they were inspired to try it too - not by my success (as I had yet to actually finish) but because I was willing to try, and was seeing many immediate benefits.

I never fully believed the adage about exercise and mental health, but I do now.  Exercise is important for self-respect, health, strength and energy.

Making such a large commitment and sticking to it was one of my proudest achievements, ever!  Sound crazy?  You need to know how little I have believed in myself.

It was a huge struggle on a daily basis.  First to get up, and then to try harder.  To persevere with new moves and routines. I felt awkward and silly a lot, but after each workout, I felt I'd accomplished something.  

Did I get the incredible results the commercial claims?  I don't think so, but they were significant enough for me...

No matter how little I may believe in myself, I fully believe in God's plan to use my life for his glory.  So, I'm sharing my picture!

It's not over though.  Next phase is to continue exercising regularly (like almost daily, or I just avoid it), while also working on my diet.  Eating right is really the only way to lose weight.  While increasing muscle helps burn calories too, it's more for shaping lean bodies.

And to maintain the body I want, I'm gonna have to keep it up!  But let's keep shorter goals!!

Hopefully you'll see more progress in the future.

Down "the shore"

Summers in England are hit or miss.  It's either drab and rainy or steaming hot (with no air-conditioning)!

That's why I appreciate the set-up here so much.  We are blessed with central air in our house.  A system that blows hot or cold air into every room depending on the temperature.  Without it, May through September would be gross!

We also live 80 miles from amazing coastline in New Jersey, referred to around here as "the shore".

Everyone has a favorite seaside town, each one with a distinct atmosphere and demographic.  Ours is Ocean City, NJ - a dry (no alcohol sold in town), family-centric town with a beautiful sandy beach.

The boardwalk is 8 blocks of shops and eateries, and a few venues of fairground rides and arcades.  The kids love the mini-golf and rides at the kids Wonderland.

We decided this year we would not be taking a week long vacation, but we still want to feel the escape of the beach.  So we are taking as many day trips as we can, and hopefully we'll feel the cumulative effects of the change of pace.

We're thankful that many of our friends love the place too and often meet up with friends.  Today, Scott's cousin Bevin, husband Tom and their girls, Lainey and Paige, joined us.  The kids are great friends as well as us, so it was nice to share the day.

Toby and his partner in crime "Paigey"

Emma loves the weird dress-ups on the boardwalk.

Big sisters, Emma and Lainey, leading the way!

While the little guys travel in style!

Time for rides...

I accompanied Em on the hang-glider...

And Toby on the roller coaster!

Then back home in time for dinner.

LOVE IT!!!

Hottest Husband

So my boss thinks I should enter Scott into Redbook's Hottest Husband contest!  I know he would would win, but I'm not willing to share him with all the women reading that magazine!!

Just out of interest though, here is my 500 word reason why he IS the winner in my book...

When I met Scott I was captivated by his amazing blue eyes, relaxed spirit and incredible patience with wild children.

As I got to know him I saw the very character of Jesus Christ.  I learned how he overcame drugs and alcohol to become the epitome of a humble servant to a merciful God.

When he married me, he took on a broken, slightly crazy and often selfish woman, and continues to loves me and our family as if we are royalty.  He works long, arduous hours as a carpenter, with a work ethic like few others, and skill that is priceless.

When our daughter was born with life-threatening issues, he was my rock, my comfort and my shoulder to cry on, while also expressing his own pain so I was not alone.

He has been to Mexico, Guatemala, Ecuador and Africa to use his gifts in the service of The Lord, making homes for orphans, abused girls and pastors.

He leads our children with authority, compassion and love.  Providing security, safety and hope in a crazy world.

I don't always show my respect to this incredible man, but it's there.  I don't need a magazine to tell me how wonderful my husband is, and if you know him, you don't either.

Busy day

Today only got busier, after Emma finished Gran's picture.  (She did one for Grandma too!)

Our good friends came for a morning visit and we all enjoyed catching up and lunch...

And Emma got to hold baby Isaac, which he really didn't mind!

Then it was off to a birthday party, where Emma's favorite Sunday school teacher gave the kids quad bike rides!

Toby wasn't quite brave enough and stick to the kid version

It was a full day, but always good to be with friends and enjoying the great weather (between rain showers)!

Artist

Emma took her great grandma's request for a picture seriously, getting started before Skype was even off!

The finished masterpiece...

I love how she put Gran's gray hair in!!  So detail oriented.

Summer Fun

Yesterday we hosted a baby shower for one of the women who comes to my bible study.  It was set-up as a general BBQ, and then to be a surprise when she and her husband arrived.  Sounds simple, right?!

All was going according to plan.  We were on track for setting up, but noticed they weren't in church.  We tried to casually text to make sure they were still coming and hasn't gone out of town last minute.  Turned out her husband was sick!

With a few options, one being to cancel and pop the 60 balloons we were threading onto fishing wire, I opted to tell her of the plan.  Thankfully she wanted to come, so it was game on!

In the back we put up the tent from church

We had the badminton court set-up around the side and the kids were driving each other around the sidewalk.  Emma even gave a ride to Pastor Jenny!

Scott soon found a way to cool all the kids down (did I mention it was 92f and humid?)...

But before long, it escalated!!

It was hot, but a fun time and so nice to bless some first-time parents-to-be!

Wicked!

Last night I got to go and see the musical "Wicked" in the city with a couple of friends.  I'm not usually a theater kind of gal, but a night out sounded like fun.

We started with sushi for dinner - something I'd been promising Katie since she moved here in December!  Then on the the Academy of Music.  Check out the theater...

Here I am with Katie (center) and Jenny, our new junior pastor...

The musical was great and I loved the prequel to Wizard of Oz, two thumbs up! But don't tell the kids - I don't let them watch stuff with witches in!!

Vacation Bible School

Last week I took off work to help out at church for Vacation Bible School.  100+ kids join us from 9:30am-12:30pm for bible based adventures.  This year it was medieval theme, "Kingdom Rock!"

Toby was still too young this year so he stayed with Nanna while we went to VBS.  It was such a great time and Emma is singing the songs all the time.  We are blessed to have such a great team at church to do this, and it's all free for the families!

Check it out...

Our new pastors arranged for live sheep on Day 1 - that was an awesome surprise for the kids and adults alike!!

Scott's cousin Bevin was helping me on the registration table, and got to look after the sheep for a minute!

Pastor Bob, tending the flock!  Hahaha!

Emma in her class! 

 

Emma shows how "God's love helps us stand strong!"

On Day four the kids decided if they wanted to follow Jesus, Emma went forward!

For the last two days, Emma's friends were able to come.  This is Joe - Emma loves him and because he has three little sisters (Abbie was in her pre-school class) he is fine with playing wedding!!

We had a lunch date after the last VBS day.

 
Toby has already asked Abbie (with him on the left) to marry him, but she said no because he's younger!  Four- year old Evie may be waiting in the wings though!!