I am a goal-oriented person. That means I tend to assign goals to all the different aspects of my life and strive to achieve them. It is both a blessing and a curse. To others you look like someone who knows how to get what they want, and to get things done, which is often true. On the other hand it is difficult to know when to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. It is also very hard to swallow when a goal is not met or turns out to be immeasurable!
Having worked in sales for many years, with a financial goal to meet, and even personal goals like owning a home or being able to take a vacation, go out for dinner etc, have all perpetuated this goal drive.
So when it comes to one of my most important roles, Emma's mum, it stands to reason I would assign goals, and anticipated results, to my effort. And there are many!! Goals for feeding, strength, cognition, language, overall health, growth, personality, faith and happiness.
You would be wise to point out that many if not all of these goals are only partially effected by my actions! And that is not to say that my actions are not important, after all at this time I am the most significant person in Emma's life. I care for Emma 16 hours of the day (and if not sleeping, worrying for the others!). It is my responsibility to encourage developmental activities, provide nourishment and monitor her health.
What I think is frustrating me the most at this stage it that there are so many people weighing in with instructions on how to tend to Emma's needs in their specialist area, yet the sheer number of things is overwhelming and they are not all complimentary! I remember before Emma was born, or even diagnosed in utero, wondering how to best handle all the friendly advice you are expecting from well-meaning family and friends. Pah - if that was all!! Now it is a case of which Dr. or specialist takes priority!!
Even then, their best advice may not be right for Emma! Take her feeds. She seems to do okay, but the increased volume makes her fall asleep after the feed, only to wake up in a few minutes with gas! And feeling refreshed enough to not sleep longer!!
And all the experts in the world (or at least my world) probably can't tell me why on earth she will not go to sleep in her crib for me. (I'm leaning towards a separation anxiety theory right now.)
So really, my priority right now is to simply get through these days (weeks, months) of sleeplessness with as little trauma as possible. If it comes down to it, I may have to have her nap with me, because if I don't get some extra sleep ain't no-one gonna be happy!!
I know some of you are desperately urging me to look to God for strength in this time. And you'd be right that I have not been looking in the right place, aside from the desperate plea of "please help me" as the straw breaks the camels back. Perhaps this is why I'm sharing the struggle with you, because I needed to admit that I've been trying to do it all by myself, when that really is unnecessary if not plain crazy.
So this is my public surrender, a declaration that I have come to the end of myself and am found lacking. I can only pray (and will) that the Lord renews my mind, body and spirit so that I can handle what is to come and only take responsibility for that which is mine to take.
I'll keep you posted!
Having worked in sales for many years, with a financial goal to meet, and even personal goals like owning a home or being able to take a vacation, go out for dinner etc, have all perpetuated this goal drive.
So when it comes to one of my most important roles, Emma's mum, it stands to reason I would assign goals, and anticipated results, to my effort. And there are many!! Goals for feeding, strength, cognition, language, overall health, growth, personality, faith and happiness.
You would be wise to point out that many if not all of these goals are only partially effected by my actions! And that is not to say that my actions are not important, after all at this time I am the most significant person in Emma's life. I care for Emma 16 hours of the day (and if not sleeping, worrying for the others!). It is my responsibility to encourage developmental activities, provide nourishment and monitor her health.
What I think is frustrating me the most at this stage it that there are so many people weighing in with instructions on how to tend to Emma's needs in their specialist area, yet the sheer number of things is overwhelming and they are not all complimentary! I remember before Emma was born, or even diagnosed in utero, wondering how to best handle all the friendly advice you are expecting from well-meaning family and friends. Pah - if that was all!! Now it is a case of which Dr. or specialist takes priority!!
Even then, their best advice may not be right for Emma! Take her feeds. She seems to do okay, but the increased volume makes her fall asleep after the feed, only to wake up in a few minutes with gas! And feeling refreshed enough to not sleep longer!!
And all the experts in the world (or at least my world) probably can't tell me why on earth she will not go to sleep in her crib for me. (I'm leaning towards a separation anxiety theory right now.)
So really, my priority right now is to simply get through these days (weeks, months) of sleeplessness with as little trauma as possible. If it comes down to it, I may have to have her nap with me, because if I don't get some extra sleep ain't no-one gonna be happy!!
I know some of you are desperately urging me to look to God for strength in this time. And you'd be right that I have not been looking in the right place, aside from the desperate plea of "please help me" as the straw breaks the camels back. Perhaps this is why I'm sharing the struggle with you, because I needed to admit that I've been trying to do it all by myself, when that really is unnecessary if not plain crazy.
So this is my public surrender, a declaration that I have come to the end of myself and am found lacking. I can only pray (and will) that the Lord renews my mind, body and spirit so that I can handle what is to come and only take responsibility for that which is mine to take.
I'll keep you posted!
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1: 4
Example: This morning Emma's awake and screaming, so I get up when the nurse is due to leave (despite very little sleep last night) and say that I'm giving in and bringing her on with me. The nurse proceeds to tell me that if Emma gets her way she will know that she can get her way and will go through life like that.
Wow, it hurts to be judged so early in the morning! And I felt the need to stand there and defend my decision to take care of myself and Emma by just getting us some sleep. By which time she was awake and I feel like a terrible mum and just bring her downstairs.
I wonder what it would be like to be able to make good decisions.
_______________________
Example: This morning Emma's awake and screaming, so I get up when the nurse is due to leave (despite very little sleep last night) and say that I'm giving in and bringing her on with me. The nurse proceeds to tell me that if Emma gets her way she will know that she can get her way and will go through life like that.
Wow, it hurts to be judged so early in the morning! And I felt the need to stand there and defend my decision to take care of myself and Emma by just getting us some sleep. By which time she was awake and I feel like a terrible mum and just bring her downstairs.
I wonder what it would be like to be able to make good decisions.
No comments:
Post a Comment