Last week was a tough one, which is why I didn't get time to blog! Why you ask? Let me tell you...
Early in the week Emma started drooling a lot. Thursday morning she was up at 5am, and luckily Dorothy was the nurse, and only to happy to play with her! Friday morning Beverly was on and she just let Emma cry it out! she kept dozing off again, but at 5.45am I couldn't stand the crying anymore. (That's right, just because I don't get up, doesn't mean I don't get disturbed sleep!!)
Throughout the week her naps had diminished to where I was finding it impossible to get her to sleep for more than 45 minutes unless it was with me, and bedtimes were horrible!
On Friday, the one year anniversary of Emma's homecoming (wow, that crept up!) I was at the end of my tether. When Scott came home Emma was standing in her crib crying and I was laying on my bed doing the same! I was so tired and just wanted an hour to take a shower and some 'me-time'.
Apparently the fatigue brought up a ton of emotions and I started ruminating on my sense of failure and fear! I have this fear that it won't be long before I become this personality-deficient drone with nothing more to talk about than the housework and kids schedule! And in doing so I'll be failing Scott and Emma because I want to give them more than that.
Scott was quick to reassure me that I have plenty of personality and, well, he reassured me! He is good at that!
On Saturday when I got up Emma was again up early, but she was very distressed. She was not comforted easily by me and only after some Tylenol kicked in. She was showing a variety of symptoms - poking her ear, rubbing a watery eye, runny nose and drooling. The nurse 'du jour' suggested taking her to the pediatrician. (I was feeling much better on Saturday, and once I knew that Emma wasn't feeling good I was buoyed to know I might be able to help her!)
Very pleased to find her primary doctor was doing Saturday duty and we got to see her - love her!! She was nervous about an ear infection too, since Emma's still on meds to get rid of the diarrhea from the last one! Her ears looked great and we concluded that she is teething - big time! she has about 5 teeth coming through, and that includes to mis-aligned canines!
We checked her eye and I was relieved that she had not scratched her cornea. I think it was just irritated because I noticed it's not closing fully when she sleeps, plusher odd napping means I have not been routine with the gel she gets at sleep time.
She slept for 11 hours last night and will hopefully sleep again tonight. As for me, I am sure my feelings are the same for most stay-at-home mothers. Women who go back to work struggle with feelings of not being there for their kids (I assume), whereas we (or I at least) feel like in some way I will be less of a whole person because I am in the home all day!! Women - we can't win!!
One thing I have realized more is that I need to seek validation outside of my role as wife and mother, from elsewhere than the people in my life, and definitely not from my critical self. Where can I get such validation? From the One who created me, knows my every thought and desire, loves me beyond my comprehension and has a real purpose for me that only I can fulfil. I am unique, loved and special and that will not change no matter how I feel or screw up! Thank God!!
Early in the week Emma started drooling a lot. Thursday morning she was up at 5am, and luckily Dorothy was the nurse, and only to happy to play with her! Friday morning Beverly was on and she just let Emma cry it out! she kept dozing off again, but at 5.45am I couldn't stand the crying anymore. (That's right, just because I don't get up, doesn't mean I don't get disturbed sleep!!)
Throughout the week her naps had diminished to where I was finding it impossible to get her to sleep for more than 45 minutes unless it was with me, and bedtimes were horrible!
On Friday, the one year anniversary of Emma's homecoming (wow, that crept up!) I was at the end of my tether. When Scott came home Emma was standing in her crib crying and I was laying on my bed doing the same! I was so tired and just wanted an hour to take a shower and some 'me-time'.
Apparently the fatigue brought up a ton of emotions and I started ruminating on my sense of failure and fear! I have this fear that it won't be long before I become this personality-deficient drone with nothing more to talk about than the housework and kids schedule! And in doing so I'll be failing Scott and Emma because I want to give them more than that.
Scott was quick to reassure me that I have plenty of personality and, well, he reassured me! He is good at that!
On Saturday when I got up Emma was again up early, but she was very distressed. She was not comforted easily by me and only after some Tylenol kicked in. She was showing a variety of symptoms - poking her ear, rubbing a watery eye, runny nose and drooling. The nurse 'du jour' suggested taking her to the pediatrician. (I was feeling much better on Saturday, and once I knew that Emma wasn't feeling good I was buoyed to know I might be able to help her!)
Very pleased to find her primary doctor was doing Saturday duty and we got to see her - love her!! She was nervous about an ear infection too, since Emma's still on meds to get rid of the diarrhea from the last one! Her ears looked great and we concluded that she is teething - big time! she has about 5 teeth coming through, and that includes to mis-aligned canines!
We checked her eye and I was relieved that she had not scratched her cornea. I think it was just irritated because I noticed it's not closing fully when she sleeps, plusher odd napping means I have not been routine with the gel she gets at sleep time.
She slept for 11 hours last night and will hopefully sleep again tonight. As for me, I am sure my feelings are the same for most stay-at-home mothers. Women who go back to work struggle with feelings of not being there for their kids (I assume), whereas we (or I at least) feel like in some way I will be less of a whole person because I am in the home all day!! Women - we can't win!!
One thing I have realized more is that I need to seek validation outside of my role as wife and mother, from elsewhere than the people in my life, and definitely not from my critical self. Where can I get such validation? From the One who created me, knows my every thought and desire, loves me beyond my comprehension and has a real purpose for me that only I can fulfil. I am unique, loved and special and that will not change no matter how I feel or screw up! Thank God!!
1 comment:
Well Deb,
I have been on both sides of the mother deal with going back to work to now staying home. It is exactly like you say. When your working you feel like your not doing what is best for them but when your home you feel like your loosing something about yourself. There is a longing to spend time with adults! I was there last week too! Call me and we can help each other. I don't have a car now but in a couple weeks we can help each other by getting together which is a good distraction! Love ya!
Christina
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