I firmly believe that there is a purpose in all circumstances. That God can use all situations for the good of those who love him - when they will let him. And so I am wondering what that is for me right now.
I can't be sure if it is the hormones of late pregnancy or fatigue at play, but I feel beaten down! It's a difficult feeling to not be in control of your own body (although its delusional to think we ever are completely!), frustrating and exhausting in this case.
Those feelings are compounded every time someone innocently says "what? you didn't have that baby yet?" Or each night when the nurses seem so disappointed that I am still here!!
It saddens me that right now the joy of having a new baby is being overshadowed by wanting to get my body back among other things. I don't mean it like losing weight, but just being able to move freely and painlessly! And somehow in it all I feel a sense of failure, like not having the baby on time means I've failed something.
I know in my head that it is only for maybe 6 more days, but 6 days is a long time! Last week I was reluctant to go to church even, not wanting to have to answer the same questions over and over. It's not anyone's fault, they don't know that each comment reinforces my frustration (I hope!). Yet I was so sure it would be the last time, I made it through! To go this week sounds like torture to me - and going to church is not even about me!!
That's probably my problem, I need to get my eyes off myself, and back on Jesus. He suffered much greater, for a greater cause. How can I be so dramatic about a pregnancy, which is such a small trial in order to produce a new life!
I need to focus on the baby and be thankful for him. I have not really done that through the whole pregnancy, scared that it might not turn out well. I would gladly go through the same situations that we did with Emma, for her brother, that's what parents do. And that is why I am so eager to see him, so I can get to being his mum, and not just an incubator!!
These may be the ramblings of an emotional preggo, or they may simply speak of the heart of a nervous mother!! Who knows.
I can't be sure if it is the hormones of late pregnancy or fatigue at play, but I feel beaten down! It's a difficult feeling to not be in control of your own body (although its delusional to think we ever are completely!), frustrating and exhausting in this case.
Those feelings are compounded every time someone innocently says "what? you didn't have that baby yet?" Or each night when the nurses seem so disappointed that I am still here!!
It saddens me that right now the joy of having a new baby is being overshadowed by wanting to get my body back among other things. I don't mean it like losing weight, but just being able to move freely and painlessly! And somehow in it all I feel a sense of failure, like not having the baby on time means I've failed something.
I know in my head that it is only for maybe 6 more days, but 6 days is a long time! Last week I was reluctant to go to church even, not wanting to have to answer the same questions over and over. It's not anyone's fault, they don't know that each comment reinforces my frustration (I hope!). Yet I was so sure it would be the last time, I made it through! To go this week sounds like torture to me - and going to church is not even about me!!
That's probably my problem, I need to get my eyes off myself, and back on Jesus. He suffered much greater, for a greater cause. How can I be so dramatic about a pregnancy, which is such a small trial in order to produce a new life!
I need to focus on the baby and be thankful for him. I have not really done that through the whole pregnancy, scared that it might not turn out well. I would gladly go through the same situations that we did with Emma, for her brother, that's what parents do. And that is why I am so eager to see him, so I can get to being his mum, and not just an incubator!!
These may be the ramblings of an emotional preggo, or they may simply speak of the heart of a nervous mother!! Who knows.
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