For a while now I've been having a kind of crisis of self. You probably wouldn't know it to look at me, I do well at keeping things running in times of crisis! The house is neat, clothes are washed etc. However on the inside I've been in a weird fog.
I think the air is starting to clear now and I can see what I've been walking through.
After having Toby I have been struggling with self-esteem like most post-partum women. You suddenly have a bunch of excess weight, no energy and no clothes! It's tough to feel attractive or make an effort if you don't have a strong positive body image.
I still have about 15lbs to lose, but I'm close enough that I'm starting to feel like my body is my own. Still in transition, I'm trying to resist buying new clothes (which would help, like new a haircut etc) until I'm where I think I'll be for some time. That said, it's a good thing I love my jeans!!
You know it's bad when you come downstairs after a shower, wearing jeans and a nice t-shirt and your husband comments on you looking nice! It was a genuine compliment, but how bad do I normally look??? I have now vowed to make more effort at all times! (Just around the house do I slob it!! I try to make more effort in public!)
On the inside I think some of the same identity issues that I'd had after I left work to stay home with Emma resurfaced. The sheer amount of time being focused on the kids, Scott and then all the other stuff, it's easy to leave yourself til last - when there is no time/energy left. All to common on those makeover shows - a 50-something mom who didn't notice the 80's ended! I don't want that to be me - physically or emotionally.
To work or not to work is such an old question. Not working it is tough to separate who you are from the roles you play around the home. There is no separate life where you are not wife and mother to the people you spend the day with. That's not to say we all need two "lives"! We do need to know ourselves and our value aside from who we are to others.
That's where I see church is becoming increasingly crucial for me. Attending church is very important, but it's in serving that I am learning about how God has put gifts inside me and how he has a purpose for me in his kingdom.
For example, I am the team leader for Audio-Visual Support! I have no formal training, background or history in the area, but over the years I have acquired some basic skills, technically and relationally that enabled me to enter the role. The rest I'll learn as we go along.
Our church is entering to an exciting time with lots of new opportunities and just today I am really realizing that God wants to use me - ME!! All I have to do is make myself available, to Him. No, make that seek after Him and ask Him to show me where to go. So often I have held back, saving myself for "other things", but watching TV is really not a valid alternative!
The best part is that more often than not, God uses Scott and I as a team, so we can spend time together, serve together and be encouraged as individuals. It's not always easy to find activities you like to do together, but serving is often less about what you like to do and more what needs to be done.
I think the air is starting to clear now and I can see what I've been walking through.
After having Toby I have been struggling with self-esteem like most post-partum women. You suddenly have a bunch of excess weight, no energy and no clothes! It's tough to feel attractive or make an effort if you don't have a strong positive body image.
I still have about 15lbs to lose, but I'm close enough that I'm starting to feel like my body is my own. Still in transition, I'm trying to resist buying new clothes (which would help, like new a haircut etc) until I'm where I think I'll be for some time. That said, it's a good thing I love my jeans!!
You know it's bad when you come downstairs after a shower, wearing jeans and a nice t-shirt and your husband comments on you looking nice! It was a genuine compliment, but how bad do I normally look??? I have now vowed to make more effort at all times! (Just around the house do I slob it!! I try to make more effort in public!)
On the inside I think some of the same identity issues that I'd had after I left work to stay home with Emma resurfaced. The sheer amount of time being focused on the kids, Scott and then all the other stuff, it's easy to leave yourself til last - when there is no time/energy left. All to common on those makeover shows - a 50-something mom who didn't notice the 80's ended! I don't want that to be me - physically or emotionally.
To work or not to work is such an old question. Not working it is tough to separate who you are from the roles you play around the home. There is no separate life where you are not wife and mother to the people you spend the day with. That's not to say we all need two "lives"! We do need to know ourselves and our value aside from who we are to others.
That's where I see church is becoming increasingly crucial for me. Attending church is very important, but it's in serving that I am learning about how God has put gifts inside me and how he has a purpose for me in his kingdom.
For example, I am the team leader for Audio-Visual Support! I have no formal training, background or history in the area, but over the years I have acquired some basic skills, technically and relationally that enabled me to enter the role. The rest I'll learn as we go along.
Our church is entering to an exciting time with lots of new opportunities and just today I am really realizing that God wants to use me - ME!! All I have to do is make myself available, to Him. No, make that seek after Him and ask Him to show me where to go. So often I have held back, saving myself for "other things", but watching TV is really not a valid alternative!
The best part is that more often than not, God uses Scott and I as a team, so we can spend time together, serve together and be encouraged as individuals. It's not always easy to find activities you like to do together, but serving is often less about what you like to do and more what needs to be done.
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