It's a process

While the kids were eating their lunch, watching TV, I found myself crying my eyes out on my knees in the kitchen. I didn't know what else to do.

This morning was like most other mornings in our house. Scott went to work before the kids woke up. When the kids got up we came downstairs and I put the TV on for them while I made breakfast. They both ate well and then got down to play.

All the while in my head I'm replaying the same thoughts over and over. Things are going okay, really. Scott has work and we think it will be there for at least a few weeks. At the basic level it's really not enough, but here and there he gets an extra job to meet the need.

After doing a well-paid freelance project in January and the odd bit last year I am increasingly anxious about whether I should seek more permanent employment and take the pressure off Scott, but in doing so we would incur costs, and the kids who already only see a little of Scott would hardly see me.

I started to fixate on the finances, and create a list of "if only..." and "maybe..." in my head. I knew that wasn't a good use of my energy or time so I did what I tell everyone else to do and pulled out the scriptures.

Matthew 6:
²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 10:

²⁶ “So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. ²⁷ What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. ²⁸ Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. ²⁹ Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. ³⁰ And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

I felt better for a little while, but then I allowed thoughts to creep back in. What if we need to replace the car? How will we...?

The worst part about this kind of thinking is that you become paralyzed. There are no answers because there is no way to see the future (unless you choose a path where you make things happen regardless of the law or God's will). No matter how frustrated I get at the situation, I won't condone that. We see many guys claiming unemployment while doing work for cash - it's not right.

Scott texted me back after I dragged him into it and said that if I needed to get out of the house then we could find a way for me to work. Then I felt guilty about not wanting to work, but also not feeling like I was doing the best for the kids. A friend popped in and said we should go for a walk because the weather was not as bad. I had no desire to leave the house!

Then I started worrying about the kids. I get alot of guilt about not teaching them more at home. I don't let Emma color or do puzzles because Toby tries to eat everything and then Emma gets upset when he messes with her stuff! Then I have no idea what to do with Toby. I had guidance for Emma and she was so much more willing to sit and interact. Toby is not like that.

I get these weekly emails about the progress of my "16 month old: week 1" and yesterday it said something about 10 essential nutrients, which my kids do not get! As I figure out lunch I try hard to think of a way to get them to eat healthier.

In the back of my head I feel like a complete failure as a mother (interesting since I just joined a bible study on mothering without guilt!), as I prepare chicken nuggets and baked beans. Putting green beans and carrots in the baked beans gives me a little peace, especially when Emma ate them without fuss. Toby on the other hand resisted!

While they were eating Scott and I were texting again and he told me to read Psalm 139. I read it and started crying. It can be so hard to apply truth that you see for others to yourself. I believe totally that God loves everyone, despite our flaws and sees us as the children he wants us to become, not as we are. This is great news - you don't need to worry about what you are lacking or screw up when you come to God. He's just looking for a humble heart, repentance of sin and desire to follow Jesus - the forgiver.

Except me. Other people may feel like this too. But I'm just to lazy/selfish/stubborn/[insert criticism here] for God to ever truly love me. However, [as I write this] I realize that God loved us before we ever became like that or did those things that we feel are unforgivable. He loved us before we were born and he still loves us that way.

What made me stop crying? Emma: "Mommy? Is that you?"

As I look at Emma now (Toby's in bed), under the table tickling my feet, I get it. She's not perfect and does things she shouldn't (no, really she does!), but I love her with all my heart and will always try to give her what's best for her. Regardless of how she responds to me. The same with Toby of course. Thank God that He has more patience with me than I do with my kids!!

When I can't see how things will work out, there is a strong temptation for me to try and take control of the situation. While it might be understandable to go get a job, I'm not sure that's what I'm supposed to do. The temptation to worry and ultimately try and play god in my life could do more harm than good!

Matthew 11:28

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.