At Field Day yesterday (pictures to come), one of the boys was on Emma's team. He called another little boy "stinky", and he told me because there were not other teachers or mothers around. I looked at the kid and said "Do you want to apologize?" He did say sorry and looked back at me. I said "it's not nice to call people names". I said it very neutrally and didn't raise my voice (maybe an eyebrow!). He looked like he'd never been told that before. I did meet his mother and watched the dynamic there throughout the day. I made some conclusions, maybe assumptions, but importantly it helped me realize something.
I realized we can not change other people, including kids. While I will report bullying when necessary, I also need to make sure that my children know that name calling is not okay. Often allowed when it's "in jest" or even between siblings, but the truth is as they age, it escalates and kids love to get laughs which reinforces it. It's hard to draw a line for kids, especially if they hear adults doing the same thing.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!" LIE!!!
We don't use the words stupid, weird, hate or other things that reference physical appearance or intellect. I never called my kids bad - I will tell them they are behaving badly, or made bad choices, but I don't want to devalue their self-worth that I've spent so long building up. They need to know at their core they are loved, valued and have purpose.
The things we say are taken literally by kids and you don't know what sticks with them, replaying in their head like a hurtful soundtrack. I can clearly remember some of the hurtful things that were said to me as a kid, but I am also ashamed of all the times I've taken the low road of picking on someone else, which I did a lot at school, paying it forward in a negative way.
If nothing else, I want my kids to be able to look at a bully, or anybody else and say "I've never treated you that way, what makes you think it's okay to treat me that way?" My mantra with the kids is "you are not responsible for anybody else, but you are responsible for your response." It's a tough one to live up to, for anyone, but it helps me to try and remember that too!
Clearly they will face bullying throughout their life, who hasn't?! But no matter what they face I hope they always feel that our home is a safe haven where they can be themselves, find peace, joy, love and hope. And the same goes for anyone else who visits!
I realized we can not change other people, including kids. While I will report bullying when necessary, I also need to make sure that my children know that name calling is not okay. Often allowed when it's "in jest" or even between siblings, but the truth is as they age, it escalates and kids love to get laughs which reinforces it. It's hard to draw a line for kids, especially if they hear adults doing the same thing.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!" LIE!!!
We don't use the words stupid, weird, hate or other things that reference physical appearance or intellect. I never called my kids bad - I will tell them they are behaving badly, or made bad choices, but I don't want to devalue their self-worth that I've spent so long building up. They need to know at their core they are loved, valued and have purpose.
The things we say are taken literally by kids and you don't know what sticks with them, replaying in their head like a hurtful soundtrack. I can clearly remember some of the hurtful things that were said to me as a kid, but I am also ashamed of all the times I've taken the low road of picking on someone else, which I did a lot at school, paying it forward in a negative way.
If nothing else, I want my kids to be able to look at a bully, or anybody else and say "I've never treated you that way, what makes you think it's okay to treat me that way?" My mantra with the kids is "you are not responsible for anybody else, but you are responsible for your response." It's a tough one to live up to, for anyone, but it helps me to try and remember that too!
Clearly they will face bullying throughout their life, who hasn't?! But no matter what they face I hope they always feel that our home is a safe haven where they can be themselves, find peace, joy, love and hope. And the same goes for anyone else who visits!
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