This is our tree today. Notice all candy canes and delicate ornaments
have been moved 4 feet up the tree!

Unfortunately we did lose our World Series ornament. Oh well, they
are just "things"!!

Toby is especially partial to a candy cane at any time of the day.
Plastic wrapped or not!!

This is how Toby gets around when he has a drink but needs both hands!
His teeth will be very strong!!

New week

On Monday I had the day off with the kids, but far from taking it easy we had a full day!  We started out with speech therapy at 9am, followed by physical therapy at 9.30am.

This was a special PT appointment because it included a consult with an orthotic specialist.  As you may recall, Emma has very flat feet, no arches and protruding heels.

It went well and although Emma's feet are preventing her from running or jumping properly, there is still hope.  We are getting orthotics for her shoes, which over time will hopefully strengthen the muscles so her feet can flex and be more functional.

Something really interesting the consultant said was that shoes are like underwear - you should not accept hand-me-downs!!  Your feet leave indelible impressions in the sole, and when put on by someone else, it can impact how that person walks. 

Luckily Emma's sneakers were new when she was handed them down!  Even though they are not a fancy brand they are actually great - not too narrow in the sole and a firm heel with cushion. 

There is even more hope for Toby because his feet are still growing.

After that we had to go to the jewellers for my semi-annual ring inspection!  A hassle, but worth it for the assurances.  It's about a half hour drive away, and I thought Toby might pass out on the way, but no. 

After that we stopped in the mall for a browse and some lunch, before heading to Melissa's for an impromtu visit.  By now we were well into nap time, but instead of sleeping in the car Toby and Emma pigged out on Chick Fil A nuggets!

A fun couple of hours at Melissa's, where Emma ran from Harley and Toby chased the little dog!  He also rolled around in the dog bed getting himself covered in fur!

We left there about 3pm and still Toby did not sleep in the car!

We arrived home and all was fine until...

It was only 4pm!!

We woke her up and all went grocery shopping - Toby finally fell asleep then and slept all around Walmart!

This week has been great.  Scott's been home in the evening, and making dinner for us to eat together.  The kids even ate fish ("chicken"!) and green beans (in cheese sauce!) tonight.

Then Emma treated us to a song...

Toby managed to eat one of the blue candy canes!

Emma drew this picture at therapy on Monday, and I just had to bring
it for my desk.

It's a rainbow "because you're wonderful."

Feeling happy

I had a monk on today.

If you are not a member of my family you might not know what that means.  It's how we describe someone who is being mopey, down in the sumps, grumpy.  (Probably because monks always look miserable in pictures!)

I can't tell you why.  Probably an emotional hangover from yesterday.  It was clear from my total lack of patience with the kids and Scott, immediate frustration over the smallest thing and the refusal to join in the excitement as Scott hung obnoxious blue led lights like icicles from our gutters!

I searched my soul throughout the day, for the source of my lingering sadness, but came up empty handed.  

I was totally gutted when Emma asked me why I was "being so mean"!  In my defence, neither Emma or Toby was listening or following instructions!!

I wasn't feeling particularly spiritual as we headed to church for prayer night, more like a reluctant child going to see a parent they know won't like their attitude!  

But rather than let that stop me from going, I did what I know God wants us to do when we feel alone and confused and far from him - run to him as fast as we can!

Scott opened the service with a word for the people in attendance.  I listened, but honestly I could not get past my own pity party!  Then we all took time to pray by ourselves.

I was hoping for a strong feeling of God's love and support.  I wanted to feel His embrace and assurances that I was doing okay.  Most of all, I wanted to know what was causing my feelings.

However, that is not what happened.  I know God heard my questions and cries, but his response was that of a WISE, loving parent.  

The issue is not what caused my stress last week or yesterday.  The past is past, and hopefully this week will be different.  However, I need to choose to make it different.

I can't change the past.  But I can choose the future.  Our emotions are subject to our will - we can choose to be happy, by not dwelling on circumstances, or in my case the feelings that circumstances had produced!  (How much time have I wasted in life being sad about being sad?)  (That was rhetorical!)

Sounds so simple, but for me, to understand this is so freeing.  I can change my mood, I don't have to wait for the memories of a tough week to fade!

And I did just that.  Be happy today.

Sunday treat

Today we did not go to our church.  Instead we went undercover at a new church in the city to check out one of their programs.  We invited Scott's sister and her boyfriend to go with us, and afterward we hit a local eatery for one of their world famous cheesesteaks (and cheese fries)!!

Then the kids tried to catch the pigeons!!

I don't like missing Pastor Bob's preaching, but it was nice to have an excuse to show the kids a bit of the city!

Christmas Tradition

Definition of TRADITION

1

a : an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom) 

Traditions can be good or bad, as with many things, it depends on your perspective.  America, for such a young country, is steeped in traditions.  

Our little family of four has yet to really develop any traditions for Christmas.  Emma's first was spent in the hospital.  Her second Christmas was spent in England.  Toby's first Christmas was at home and probably the calmest we've had.  Last year we were heading to England, but the weather threw us a curve ball and we had Christmas at home, with no tree!


This year we will be spending Christmas here and we are looking forward to both kids being able to appreciate every aspect.


Many people think I am incredibly organized and mostly I am (even when it's annoying!), but I have yet to successfully prepare for Christmas.  


I'm not talking about Christmas Day, that doesn't faze me at all.  No, I'm referring to the process that is gifts!  Selecting tokens of one's love for another to present to them at Christmas is a source of much anxiety for me.  I want it to be something that brings joy, not disappointment. 


I'm not sure if it is the (real or imagined) expectations of others, or the challenge of getting things purchased and delivered around the world in time.  Then last week, Scott was working all day and evening, so I have struggled to find time to even shop.  

Yesterday, after a week of work and managing the kids by myself (which should normally have been pretty straight forward) the pressure was too much and the kids being a little bit defiant broke me.  I put Toby in time out in his crib and sat on the sofa to sob!

An earlier text message to Scott prompted him to ask his parents to come and relieve me for a while!  Pops showed up after I had gotten the kids settled in front of a movie with some nuggets.  I took off to get some of the shopping done.  

I feel so ridiculous even getting stressed about it, I know full well that material gifts are not the purpose of Christmas, even when you can't be there in person.  It's a choice to stay focused on the reason for the celebration.  (Hint: it's not about you or me!)

Later on, when Scott was home we were able to bring some of the joy in celebrating Christmas, to the kids.  We decorated the house...(Grant helped out too!)

 

Metamorphosis (More playdate pictures)

Gift idea

Toby seems to be enjoying his friends chair. I'm struggling for
Christmas gift ideas..are you thinking what I'm thinking?!

End of the Tube

This morning I sent an email to Emma's GI doctors.  We are 8 weeks out from our next visit.

As you know, miraculously we were able to stop using Emma's tube for water back in the summer.  It was been a bit of a struggle incorporating drinking into our schedule, as Emma can only drink one sip at a time (not gulp it down like Toby!).  If you're not sure why that might be a pain, try drinking a glass of water one swallow at a time. 

Increasingly Emma comes to us and askes for water, and has even drank most of a cup by herself due to thirst.  She also helps herself to water from her bedside cup during the night (which is also whenI do most of my drinking, weird!).  This is a great step forward as it shows she recognizes thirst and can do it by herself.  The challenge: she won't do it by herself!!

I can sit with Emma at times and she'll drink a cup of water in 10-15 minutes.  However, more often she will put up a fight with distractions and whining, especially with people other than me.  It's really fair enough, what's fun about being forced to drink!   However, we are perservering until the act of drinking becomes easier and more natural (which it is slowly.)

I'm sure you're wondering, as most people have been asking us lately, can we take the tube out now?

This was the question I posed to her doctors, with the caveat that we do have to vent her about once a week or so.  Sometimes I think she uses it as a diversion from sleeping or drinking, but her belly does get bloated because the air cannot easily escape.  The doctors gave me the answer I did not want to hear - have her tough it out!

What? No magic pill that reduces the gas so that taking out the tube will not result in permanent bloating or discomfort? That sucks!

But there you have it.  Over the next week we'll have to be stern and do our best to explain to her that we can't vent her.  It will be tough, but let's pray (and this is the strangest prayer request ever!) that Emma can burp more often!

Quote of the Day

Toby: Mom...
Me: Yes?
Toby: I want juice
Me: How about milk?
Toby: I want juice
Me: It's milk or nothing
Toby: I want juice
Me: Milk?
Toby: Juice
Me: Milk, or nothing.
Toby: Juice
Me: Milk or nothing
Toby: I want juice
Me: Nothing?
Toby: juice
Me: milk or nothing
Toby: uh, milk.
Me: Sure.

This happens so often it's funny!

Like father, like son

I can't tell you how totally adorable Toby is, if you can't grasp it from the videos and pictures(!), but he just keeps getting more so!

Toby has picked up a few bad habits of mine, to my regret!  It's most pronounced when we drive around in the car and Emma asks a question (which is inevitable.)  Whatever answer I give, Toby immediately repeats.  

If Emma asks him something to which he answers "no", it is followed shortly after by "NO!"  This is usually how I respond when the kids are doing something they shouldn't and don't listen after the first, gentle "no".

I guess it might also be my fault that when Toby babbles at Emma she chuckles and says "what are you talking about Toby?!"

My bad.

Toby is the more clingy of the two kids, in a normal situation, like when I drop them off at Nanna and Pops house.  Toby requires coaxing to leave my lap.  The usual temptings of cars and bowling no longer work.  However we are seeing an emerging passion for...

...drawing!

I know it's not unusual for kids to like drawing, but it does seem at odds with this energetic, physical little boy.  And it's more than a like - he practically leaps up with a resounding "Yes!" when asked.  

Believe it or not, Scott was into graphic art as a kid, so I guess Toby's a chip off the old block there too!

Yes, I did need help to stay awake shopping for all those hours.  24oz of Red Bull to be precise!

(Just in case you were wondering!)

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

What? Oh, I know, that was Thursday.  This is just the first chance I've had to say it!!

Thursday was great.  We had brunch with friends, dinner at Scott's parents and dessert at the Thompsons.  We spent the day together and with people we love - awesome!

Then it was time to shop!  

At 9pm Thursday night Scott's sisters - Kimberly and Julie, and I hit Walmart for the first of the Black Friday sales.  It was crazy, and people stopped being polite!  

We weren't there long, picking up a few things (Julie got two crockpots for $10 each!), before we headed to Toys'R'Us.

Thankfully it was a mild night, but I should have worn my jacket as we had to wait in line outside TRU for about 20-30 minutes.  What was the draw?  They had a camera on sale that I wanted for me, as well as some things for the kids.

Once inside I headed right for the line they had for the electronics department.  I kid you not when I say I was in that line for over 2 hours.  It wasn't long, just really really slow.  Julie and Kim picked up the stuff they wanted, as well as found the non-electronics I wanted.  Then they waited with me.

I don't know many people who would wait in line for 2 hours when they weren't getting anything, but these guys did - and Julie is 7 months pregnant!  It meant a lot that they would do that for me - and not complain a bit.

Next we headed to Delaware, for tax-free shopping at Target!  I got the DVD player for Emma - so glad because our DVD player is not working right and she spends every evening watching Strawberry Shortcake on my laptop - I can't get a thing done!

I picked up some other stuff before we moved on to Kohls and then the mall!  I was able to get several Christmas gifts before we called it quits about 6am.

Friday was tough - I only got an hour of sleep before the kids were up and then took a nap with them in the afternoon.  I dozed on the sofa during the morning!

Scott had to work in the evening, so I took the kids with me to do my returns (rarely do I shop without returns!).  Thankfully Kimberly came with me, and we let the kids spend the some money they got for Thanksgiving.  Emma got a "Bullseye" to go with her "Jessie", while Toby showed little interest in anything but cars!

Saturday Scott was out again so I did my best through the lingering fatigue, before we headed to a birthday party in the evening.  It was a great party, the 60th and 65th birthdays of some pastors we know.  There were not many other people there we knew, but they had loud music and a dance floor so Emma was in her element!

Emma and Toby made friends with some of the kids there, and really did great during the speeches and prayers.

I was feeling great about the evening and then something happened.

Emma was sitting on my lap, playing on my phone when the little 7 year old girl she had been playing with came over with a friend.  Before I knew what was happening she asked Emma to laugh, which she did.  Then the girl turned to her friend and said "See, she doesn't smile."

Feeling like I'd been punched in the gut I pulled Emma in toward me as if to protect her from an attack.  I tried to speak and explain to the little girl why she should not say things like that but the moment passed and she was gone.

Just days before we had been talking of the prospect of removing her tube in the New Year.  With Emma's progress in therapy (really incredible on all fronts) and this final hurdle in sight, "normality" was on my mind.

Then this encounter with an innocent little girl (I know she was not being malicious) had thrown me into an emotional whirlpool.  (Notice it was my emotional turmoil, not Emma's!).  

The instinct of a mother to protect her children from harm is a powerful and reflexive thing. Unchecked, it can paralyse you with fear of all the possible pain they may experience.

Last night Scott and I both tried to give Emma a coaching session on what to say when people make comments about her smile, without alarming her.  She didn't seem very concerned!

We went to church today, as usual, and as usual, Pastor Bob's message penetrated my heart.  

All kids, especially girls, face challenges of acceptance and differences as they grow up.  I know I did.  I also believe that having faith in Jesus, and understanding that God made us, unique and for a purpose, will get you through these trials.

Trials and challenges are what shape us into who we are, and God uses them to teach us and draw us closer to Him.  It is our prayer that both our children develop this kind of relationship with God.

Therefore, I can not and should not try to shelter Emma, or Toby, from the trials they will face.  I have to trust that God will do what I can not, and keep them from more than they can bear.  Only if we truly believe God loves us, enough to die for us, can we trust Him with the future of our children.

But trust Him I must, and will.

         Trust in the LORD with all your heart
                   and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,
               and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Phillipians 4:6

Thank you God, for revealing Your heart to me, that my children will know you and have peace and joy in the midst of trials and trouble.

Emma had a blank wall in her room, and I planned a surprise makeover
for her birthday. I didn't have time, until yesterday, but went ahead
with it.

While Emma was busy I painted clouds on the wall. I later told Emma
her room was so cold clouds had formed!!

But that was just phase one...

And while she slept I put up the castle!

Emma woke me up around 4am calling for me. When I walked in to her
room she was sitting cross-legged on her bed. She looked at me and
pointed at the wall!

It was the strangest thing but I could see an expression of happy
surprise on her face!!

This is great - Toby will watch Strawberry Shortcake with Emma, but he
wanted to do it laying on the Eagles blanket, not Rapunzel!

Then he moved to the fire truck! He's such a boy!!

I've reclaimed the TV, and the kids are hanging out together - priceless!!