Last night the kids were watching The Incredibles, a birthday gift for Toby and one he loves! Scott was in the attic and I had popped upstairs for some reason. When I came downstairs Emma was hiding in the dining room. I assumed it was from the movie (she really dislikes scary bits), but after some questions I discovered she was scared because she'd dropped some apple slices and peanut butter on the floor and thought I'd yell.
She was probably right, I yell in reaction to things way before I ever think about them. I hate that about myself and try hard to curb it. I've been watching my tone with Scott because I can be really patronizing (and disrespectful) to him, and it's clear the kids pick up on tone too - not just loud yelling, but also exasperation or impatience.
Because my heart had already gone out to Emma being scared, before I knew what had happened I was able to respond more lovingly and assuringly. I also was not trying to do a bunch of other things that were "important" at the time!
Then I read the following article today...and see that I can give my kids the gift of peace and reasonable behavior, if I really try. (And avoiding fatigue, hunger, lateness and self-righteousness will be a big help!!)
The Danger of Yelling at Your Kids and Ways to Be a Calmer Mom
If you've found yourself shrieking at your child - and regretting it - this advice is for you.
My husband, our two kids, and I were enjoying an idyllic trip to
Hawaii, driving up the winding (and dangerous) Road to Hana and taking
in the beauty of the cliffs and coastline. And then it happened. For no
apparent reason, my son, then age 5, threw a water bottle from the
backseat toward my husband, and it hit the windshield with a ferocious
bang. By some miracle, we didn't crash, but we did lose
control...big-time. Both my husband and I were ranting, raving,
screaming, threatening: "Why would you do that? Don't you know we could have been killed? Here we are taking you on the vacation of a lifetime, and you throw a water bottle
for no reason?" And on and on we went, spewing way more venom than our
preschooler could ever deserve or even comprehend, for that matter.
Tears began rolling down our son's cheeks, and his lip quivered as he
fought back sobs. After what I'm sure seemed like an eternity to him, we
calmed down and continued on our way, and I tried to bury the incident
in the back of my mind.
I had almost forgotten all about it when, a few weeks later, I replayed
our Hawaii-trip video. There I was, recording a waterfall out the
window of the car. I tucked the camera into its bag - accidentally
leaving it still recording - and then the "water bottle incident"
occurred. Though the screen was black, I heard my husband and myself
screaming at our son, badgering him, shaming him.
Then it was my turn to fight back tears. How could I have freaked out like that in front of my kids, at
my kid? The rant sounded so much more vicious and vile than I
remembered its having been, but there it was on tape - proof that I was
the worst mother in the world. I may have erased that incident from the
vacation video, but I don't think I'll ever be able to erase it from my
memory.
Like it or not, most of us parents flip out in front of our dear
children from time to time. Sometimes the anger is aimed at them, other
times not, but it's almost always a deeply unsettling experience.
Fortunately, there are simple - sometimes surprising - steps you can
take to repair the damage, not to mention avoid meltdowns in the future.
The High Price of Losing It
First, recognize that regularly lashing out at or in front of your kids
isn't par for the parenting course. It can do some very real damage to
their psyches, says psychologist Matthew McKay, Ph.D., a professor at
the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA, and coauthor of When Anger Hurts Your Kids.
"Studies have shown that parents who express a lot of anger in front of
their kids end up with less empathetic children. These kids are more
aggressive and more depressed than peers from calmer families, and they
perform worse in school. Anger has a way of undermining a kid's ability
to adapt to the world," McKay says.
Gulp. And the younger the kid, the bigger the impact, experts say.
"When children are little, you're their universe," says psychologist
Robert Puff, Ph.D., author of Anger Work: How to Express Your Anger and Still Be Kind.
"When you get angry, their world is shaken. By the time they get older,
they have friends and other people in their lives to turn to, and that
minimizes the impact." Also worth noting: The occasional, nonabusive
freak-out is generally much less damaging than regular fireworks, which
send a child the message that he or she is not safe and that there's
something wrong with him, says McKay.
That said, kids can actually learn an important lesson from seeing you
lose your temper and then regain your cool. "This provides an
opportunity to show kids that we all get angry, but what really counts
is how we repair things afterward," says McKay. Here, the step-by-steps
for doing just that.
When You Shriek at Your Kids
Real-mom meltdown: When Jennifer*, of Huntington
Beach, CA, went to visit Disneyland with her three kids, she didn't
realize the "happiest place on Earth" would be the setting for one of
her ugliest parenting moments. "It was a big outing for us, and the park
was very hot and crowded that day," she recalls. "Two of my kids have
cystic fibrosis and could use a special pass to bypass the lines. But my
13-year-old went and lost his. Out of nowhere, I yelled, 'You've got to
be bleeping kidding me. What the hell is wrong with you?' Immediately,
my son started to cry. He had never heard me swear or be so mean to him,
and he was devastated. Everyone standing around us was looking at me in
disgust. I had to keep apologizing. Tears were streaming down my face
because I had obviously hurt him so much."
A University of New Hampshire study found that 90 percent of parents
admitted to having hollered at their children, ages 2 to 12, within the
course of a year (the other 10 percent must have either been angels or
had selective memories).
To avoid a scream-fest, try this trick: In that white-hot moment of
anger, visualize your child as a baby, says Sandra P. Thomas, Ph.D., a
professor at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, and coauthor of Use Your Anger: A Woman's Guide to Empowerment.
"Older kids and teens are not adorable like babies, and sometimes they
can be very obnoxious," she explains. "When you remember them as the
babies they once were, that can do some good."
So can taking a break. "If you're able, take a time-out and walk into
another room, even if it's just for a minute or two," says psychologist
Laura J. Petracek, Ph.D., author of The Anger Workbook for Women. The key here is getting some literal distance from the situation and recovering your sense of calm.
If your anger has already boiled over, the most important thing now is
to own up to what you've done wrong. Don't give in to the temptation to
blame your child for triggering your outburst. "Say, 'I am very
disappointed at your carelessness, but I shouldn't have yelled like
that. It was wrong for me to lose it in that way, and I'm very sorry,' "
advises Thomas. (Tip: Don't overdo the apology - if you dwell on it, it
can make a kid feel as if he's truly been victimized.) Then promise
that you will try your best not to do it again, comfort your child as
needed, and move on.
When You Spar With Your Spouse
Real-mom meltdown: Angie*, of Seattle, says life has
been particularly stressful since her husband lost his job - and their
arguments sometimes play out in front of daughter Lexi, age 3. "Just
last night, I was yelling at him for not cleaning the house," she
confesses. "Lexi came over, tugged on my shirt, and said, 'Be nice to
Daddy.' The look in her eyes was one of terror; it stopped me in my
tracks. We eventually made up and tried to assure her that Mommy and
Daddy still loved each other, but I don't know if she bought it."
It can be devastating for a child to see her parents get furious with
each other, warns Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who
specializes in the study of anger at the University of South Florida.
It's important to circle back quickly and do damage control. Don't try
to explain the situation away by reciting a laundry list of ways in
which your spouse provoked you - this will only further embroil your
children in the drama and stress. "Instead, you might say, 'I was really
mad at your dad earlier. We've talked about it, and we're working it
out. People who live together get angry sometimes. We're sorry for
yelling. We still love each other,' " Thomas recommends. Even if you
still want to throttle your spouse, telling your kids you are smoothing
things over will help ease their fears and make them feel more secure.
If you can, emphasize what you'll do differently next time, says Jerry
Deffenbacher, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Colorado State
University, who studies anger issues; this will help a child learn from
the experience. For instance: "I was mad that your dad burned the garlic
bread, but I apologize; I shouldn't have shouted at him like that. I
was frazzled from a really hard day. Next time, we'll remember to set
the kitchen timer when we use the oven."
Keep further comments to a minimum. Overexplain yourself, and you could
wind up turning your kid into a mediator or therapist, cautions Puff.
There's no need to drag her even deeper into your drama.
When You Argue With a Stranger
Real-mom meltdown: While Fiona*, of Detroit, was
buckling her youngest son into his car seat after a trip to a bakery, an
older driver pulled up near her and began honking. "He was screaming,
'Close your f--door!' without having given me any warning that I was
blocking his spot. I raged right back, 'Can't you see I'm putting my
baby in his car seat, you $%*#@?!' My tween in the backseat was pretty
rattled by my outburst, and I felt horrible about it."
Your first instinct might be to apologize to your kids for having
gotten mad - but don't. Everyone gets angry, so you shouldn't be sorry
for having experienced this emotion. (This is especially important if
you have daughters - girls from a young age are told they shouldn't show
anger, says Puff, encouraging them to bottle up their feelings.)
Instead, tell the kids what set you off. Explains McKay: "You might
say, 'That man said something that really hurt my feelings, and I got
very upset.' " Next, apologize for how you expressed your anger. "Make
sure they know that swearing - or whatever you did - was not the
appropriate reaction," says Thomas. "Emphasize that you would never want
them to act that way." Also say you are sorry if your outburst scared
or embarrassed them. (Let's face it - it probably did.) Explain that you
let your emotions get the best of you, and that you'll handle it better
next time. And then comes the real challenge: making sure that you do.
Short-Circuiting Your Anger
To keep your cool going forward, follow these ground rules:
-
Ask the right question When a child is being difficult and your temper is about to flare, follow this advice from McKay: Instead of thinking, Why is he doing this to me?,
focus on the child; he's probably acting out for a reason. Is he
hungry, bored, tired, or in need of attention? Try to meet his need
instead of letting your anger get the best of you.
-
Keep an anger journal that documents when you lose
your cool. "Look for patterns - what time of day do you get angriest?
Under what circumstances?" advises Deffenbacher. "Once you identify
those anger 'flash points' in your life, brainstorm ways to minimize
them." You can even get your kids in on the act: Say, "It irritates me
when you ignore your chores - how can we make this a better situation?"
By giving your kids a voice, you're empowering them to be part of the
solution.
-
Minimize marriage spats "In a calm moment, you and
your spouse should agree to handle your next argument differently,"
Deffenbacher says. "Give yourselves permission to walk away if you're
getting too angry in front of the kids. Develop a code word for when you
are getting really mad, and let that signal that you'll discuss the
issue later, in private, when you're calmer."
-
Talk through your emotions out loud when you're with
your kids and a stranger annoys you. "Say, 'Wow, that person just cut me
off - how rude! But maybe there's an emergency she had to deal with, or
she just didn't see me. Whatever the case, I'm not going to let it ruin
my day,' " recommends Deffenbacher. By doing this, you're modeling how
to handle life's everyday frustrations - and how to control your anger
before it controls you.
-By Julie Taylor
