Women of Purpose

Friday morning I dropped the kids off at Nanna's and joined Scott's cousin Bevin on the road, headed for the annual Women of Purpose conference in Hershey, PA.  (It's no coincidence that they put a women's conference in "Chocolate Country"!!)

It was really tough for me to go actually, I was having very strong emotions about leaving the kids - though thankfully they were not so concerned and let me leave without guilt!

We made it there in record time (thanks to lead-foot Bevin ;) and found some seats for the first session.

I'd been looking forward to this for literally a whole year, since we found out that Liz Curtis-Higgs (author of Bad Girls of the Bibles) was returning as the keynote speaker.  Liz was the speaker in 2010 and I just loved her.  She is funny, funny, funny AND has an incredible way of presenting scripture with insight and detail.

And she did not disappoint!  Speaking on the book of Ruth (just 4 chapters, but so much more than I ever realized!), Liz started out with some amazing words from God. 

Here's a brief look at some of what she said on Friday night...

Ruth, from Moab, a despised people in Israel's eyes, had married the son of an Israelite couple who moved to Moab to flee the drought in Israel.  After they were married 10 years, both the Israelite sons (who Liz nicknamed Wimpy and Frumpy, based on the Hebrew meaning for their names!) and father had all died.  This left Ruth, her mother-in-law Naomi and Orpah, the other brothers widow, childless and without a provider.

Naomi opted to move back to Israel when she heard the famine was over, thinking her kin would take care of her.  She told her daughters-in-law to go back to their families where they could likely remarry and have kids.  Orpah went, but Ruth wanted to go with Naomi.

Naomi did not want this.  She probably realized that her kin would not welcome a Moabite in their midst, and she could impact Naomi's help, however Ruth was not to be dissuaded;

But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.
Ruth 1: 16-18

God saw Ruth's faith, and though she was not an Israelite, He moved in the heart of Naomi and her kin to where Ruth was not only accepted (Naomi said to her, “Go ahead, my daughter.” Ruth 2:2b), esteemed and loved, BUT (Liz kept referencing these big "BUT's" of the Bible!) she was also one of the women in the lineage of the Lord Jesus Christ, the great-grandmother of King David to be precise!

In the book of Ruth, Ruth is "redeemed" by a family member of Naomi's, a Godly upstanding man named Boaz.  As Liz reflected on the story she demonstrated how Boaz's response to Ruth, acceptance, protection, provision and love, mirrored Jesus's way with us.


When Liz (we're on first name terms now!) spoke about Ruth, I identified with this young woman.  She was a foreigner (check), who had adopted a new culture that included following God (check), had no blood family around (check) and did not have a squeaky clean past (check and check)!   And yet God so loved her that none of that mattered.


And yet I find myself often thinking that God could not possibly accept me, and all my flaws, and failures and past. 

When she had finished, there was an altar call. For those of you not familiar with evanglical church, an altar call is where the preacher invites anyone and everyone to step toward the "altar", the place of offering for God.  I went forward and sat on the floor, in front of the stage to pray (it's ok, others did it to!!).
  
So, as I sat before God, in a room with more than 3,000 women, but very much alone, I poured out my heart to Him.  At first I was not sure what I was struggling with, but the more I talked (and cried) the closer I came to understanding this desperate need for validation, to know that I am His and I am acceptable.

For a long time I wasn't.  He could not accept me while I lived independently, seeking to satisfy my own wants in my own way - that's sin and being holy, God could not accept me.

But then I realized that Jesus could atone for my sin, His death and resurrection was available to me to pay for my sin and wipe my slate clean.  I asked Jesus to do that for me, and I believe He has.

This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

Matthew 26:28 

God gave Jesus to die for our sins, and he raised him to life, so that we would be made acceptable to God.
Romans 4:25

I was so thankful to have my closest friends there with me, to speak against the thoughts of self-doubt and speak truth into my life.  And so I left with a lighter load than I came.

We went out for a bite to eat, and slept in the nice hotel before returning for session 3 this morning.  On my way in I found the entry form for the raffle to win the Hershey gift basket, and put down my info so if nothing else I would get email updates on the other events in the district!

We took our seats and waited for the morning session.  Before the "main event" I popped to the bathroom, as you do!  On my way back a friend texted me "You better share that chocolate. Lol!"

I just knew somehow I'd won the basket.  I walked a little quicker back to my seat to see the modest, but still pleasing basket of goodies!  With disbelief I asked my friends if I'd really one, which I clearly had.  I was in a pleasant state of shock - I don't win much, and there were so many women there!

I smiled as we began to sing with the band and I entered into it with so much more heart than I had been able to on Friday afternoon.  And as I looked at the words I was singing, and sang them to God with absolute conviction, I felt God whisper to me (you know, that quiet little voice that reassures you in times of need) "The chocolate is a gift from me."

You probably fall in to one of two camps at this point:
1) You think I'm "hearing voices" and are ready to call an institution, or;
2) You know that my eyes immediately filled with tears as I "got it", as I felt that acceptance that had so alluded me before.  

Whichever camp you're in, you need to realize that there are no coincidences or happy accidents.  God is a master orchestrator and takes much delight in bringing joy to His children.  I'm not good at "feeling" God, nor am I great with intangible concepts.  But a basket of chocolate, God knows even I can feel that!

And here endeth my happy story today... with a picture of me and Liz (!), whom I encourage you all to check out online, in a book or DVD!

(and my gift from God!!)

Evening Commute

This was part of my view on the commute home the other day.  Ignore the fact that I was taking a picture while driving for a minute, and look at the colors of the sunset!  It's the perfect hour to be driving home, like the sun is beckoning me to follow it West!

And when I cross the bridge, heading down the other side toward the airport, there were lights everywhere, with the cool sunset.  I couldn't take that picture because I was driving really fast and I'm already scared of driving over bridges!  (That's pretty reasonable - the consequences of get knocked off the road on a bridge are much worse than anywhere else!)

Am I going soft?  Maybe, or maybe I'm making the most of a 40 minute drive in heavy traffic with people who are not nearly driving fast enough!

Charted

Scott and I are trying to teach the kids the value of money, and earning rewards.  I say trying because we briefly discussed it after a session of Financial Peace University (which is really making a HUGE difference, by the way) and then I launched into some undefined reward system when I needed to get the kids moving one day!

Here's the basic premise:  the kids get a star sticker each time they complete an assigned task.  When they have 10 stickers they will get $1. 

So far the kids are highly motivated by the sticker reward!  They get to stick it on the chart...


(Who knew Toby would be the one to stick them in a straight line!!)

On one occasion a sticker was removed for bad behavior, but I have since deemed that to be cruel and harsh.  (Read "You are Special" by Max Lucado for reasoning behind that!)

Here's where our "system" is still a little undefined - we randomly offer stickers for things, mainly as bribes!  They will sometimes get stickers for getting their shoes on (when I'm running late and they are dragging!), last night Toby got one for taking Emma her drink because I couldn't and she was being lazy!  And the latest sticker task (which is totally worth it!) is for when they sleep in their room all night! 

So, it needs a little refining, but we'll get there.  A bonus is that they both like to count the stickers and say the colors!

Photo blast

What with the storm and a bunch of other stuff going on I have not had time to download pictures for you!  I'm only squeezing it in now because it's only going to get worse over the next few weeks!!  So, ready?  Here goes:

Last Monday, we got the kids ready to head out in the pre-storm...

And headed over to Nana and Pops house for breakfast, where Sophia enjoyed torturing Toby...

a lot!!

That night, we never lost power for more than a couple of seconds, but Emma was awake in bed for one and got very scared.  She ended up passing out on me about 10:30pm!

On Tuesday the kids and Scott were home, and the kids had a grand old time on the horse!

Here's how it goes, from a previous time...

And while I was at work they all headed to help clean-up at church.  Pastor Bob sent me these pictures of how the kids were helping...

It's deceptive - the church was spared thanks to some good preparation!  But since it was closed, what better time to clean the rugs!

On Wednesday (Halloween) we joined Scott's cousin Bevin, her husband Tom and the kids BFF's Lainey and Paige for the evening at the indoor playground.  I'm sure I've explained why we don't observe Halloween, so I won't bore you again (unless you ask!).  This was great though, because there was no one else there, so the kids had free reign of the place.  

On Thursday, the kids showed their appreciation for the t-shirts Grandma and Grandad sent over from Italy! They both fit, but as you can see, Emma is a little thicker in the middle!  (Looking back it's been that way ever since they put her intestines in, so I wonder if her abdomen will ever grow to catch up!)

That's it for now! 

As if you could ever forget, it's Emma's birthday next week and she'll be turning 5.  We can hardly believe it, even if she can.  She's very adamant about keeping growing no matter what we say!  Stay tuned for pictures from her "Rock Star" party and what I predict will be the ultimate gift!

I don't know if you've looked back at the early posts recently - if you have you'll notice that all the pictures are missing.  I discovered this on Saturday and am not sure how to fix it.  It's quite distressing for me, as I often look back and find the details on things.  Let's hope it can be resolved!

Storms

I got this response from a colleague in Long Island, NY today:

Yes I made it through the hurricane. Today is my first day back to work since when the hurricane hits us last Monday 10/29. I have to say it was pretty scary for us New Yorkers. We are not use to these types of hurricanes. A lot of people lost their homes in long island that were either on the water or if they were close by the water they had major flooding. Also, areas in New Jersey were destroyed especially seaside heights, a very popular vacation spot in jersey. The boardwalk & original rides were wiped away along with homes. Very sad. But, now we have another situation going on here… is shortage of gas. The lines are wrapped around blocks, people are sleeping in their cars waiting for the gas trucks to come ..it is crazy. I am still waiting to get gas for my car. I have some for now but, you know that will eventually run out. We are hoping things will be better this week with the gas supply.

One more thing added to this whole hurricane disaster is that we are suppose to be getting a Northeastern storm on Wednesday with heavy rains and winds….unbelievable! This can cause more problems with power out again and flooding.

I can't even imagine the conditions for people along the coast, many not even able to return to their homes, let alone work. I naturally think about those with kids or extra medical needs and feel so bad for them especially.

I know it can be easy to say 'how can God let this happen?" and that's a question we often default to when bad stuff happens. It's actually not a "bad" question. In fact I challenge you to take it to God in prayer.

You see, bad things are not evidence that God is not loving. Quite the contrary. The very fact that God has not wiped mankind off the face of the earth in response to our rebellion and faithlessness is a sure sign of his love for everyone.

The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.”

Genesis 5:1-7

Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight and was full of violence. God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. So God said to Noah, “I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth.

Genesis 5:11-13

But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.

Genesis: 5:8

You know the story: Noah, a farmer, faithfully built a giant boat according to God's instruction (despite living in the middle of dry land and it never having rained before!). God sent two of every kind of animal to join Noah's family on the ark, and they were the only survivors of the flood that came up through the earth and down from the sky.

After the flood receded,

Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: “Never again will I curse the ground because of humans, even though every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.

Genesis 8: 20-21

God has kept this and so many other promises to us, despite the vast majority of people rejecting Him.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

2 Peter 3:9

For Christ-followers, who are heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, we need not fear death, because we will move into our inheritance. And it's an open invitation to become a "joint-heir" by asking Jesus to be your Savior.

For everyone else, rather than cursing God for allowing the trials to come, it would be better to be thankful that they are still alive and still have time to turn to God, before the final day of judgement.

Now I know why you're supposed to stock up on nonperishable food
before storm. It's because your supermarket might lose power and then
have no food for you to buy when you do get to go grocery shopping!

Quote of the Day

Em: remember when I was a baby and they stuck my tongue to my nose?

LOL, she was with us on the weekend when we showed someone her baby
pictures. I corrected her - they stuck her tongue to her lip!!

Molly

I think I mentioned before that our neighbors have a dog called Molly.  Still a puppy, she is a bundle of energy!  In fact,the kids don't go in their yard to play with her because she affectionately jumps all over them and they don't like that!

However, they will stand at the fence for ages waiting for her to come outside, so they can "play" with her!  How? you ask.  Let me show you...



I'm not sure who gets more exercise, but it seems like a win-win!

The silly dog likes to eat leaves which the kids will feed her through the fence!  I don't think she really eats them, before you dog-lovers comment!! 

We also threw the ball for her,but she only brought it back once, so we had to stop that came!

Excuses, Excuses

I have realized that I am very susceptible to even the smallest justification for over-eating or junk eating!  Apparently an impending storm can be included here! 

Whether my subconscious takes over in a "eat because you don't know if you'll have to throw out the contents of the fridge and waste all the food" bid (which is ludicrous as most of what I ate this weekend was non-perishable!), or simply "I'm scared a tree is going to fall on my house and food makes me feel better" I can not say.  I do know that this weekend derailed any good eating habits I'd reinstated after the last big upset. 

Oh well, the upside is that I spared my children from eating all the unhealthy chocolate the gathered at the Fall Festival on Saturday!  What a self-less mommy I am!!

So long Sandy

From the looks of it we are now in the clear.  As I look outside there are leaves everywhere, but I don't see any trees or branches down.

Our power flickered off a couple if times, which scared the kids, but that was it.

Scott's job was closed Tuesday also, and my office is opening late.  

We're seeing pictures of Atlantic City streets now full of sand from Sandy(!), and New York with flooded subways and homes.

Our prayers go out to those who have been affected by this.  I can't imagine having to leave our home to be destroyed, especially with kids.

As I watched the news yesterday, almost continuously all day, I got a sense of awe that no matter how much we order our lives, we are still never in control.

¹³ Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will,we will live and do this or that." ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil.

James 4:13-16

Snow day

The kids and I were sleeping when Scott walked into our room. I
looked at the clock and it was 7:30 - he should have been at work.

He announced a "snow day" to which Emma asked if we could make snow
angels!! We explained it just meant Daddy was home from work today
and likely tomorrow.

While the power stays on, this is awesome!!

Bracing

Well, it looks like the storm is only going to get stronger between now and tomorrow.  Schools are closing for Monday and Tuesday, the city's transportation system is shutting down and they are expecting the rainfall equivalent of 5' of snow!  

I'm not sure we're really ready or what that means.  We are on pretty high ground so major flooding would be unlikely in our neighborhood.  Our biggest concern is the wet ground makes it more likely for trees to be uprooted and fall on power lines.  Most of them still have leaves, which acts like a sail catching the wind.

I did buy extra water on Thursday, but I might try and pick up a few more things tomorrow - since my office is closed, I'll be home! 

The bad weather is really expected Monday PM, but it's windy and rainy today.  We put all our trash cans and toys in the shed, and hopefully the playhouses etc will be too heavy to fly off.

That said, it's hard to prepare for power outages.  We do have gas in our cars, and will charge our electronics (although without wireless or cell towers both will be be useless!

One thing we are thankful for is that it is neither hot or too cold outside, so we do not have to be too concerned about staying warm or cool.  I'm caught up on cleaning and laundry so that's good.

Scott is planning to go to work tomorrow - but that may change.  He's currently working (yay!) on a new high-rise, above the 15th floor (boo!) and has to go up stairs or a cage elevator on the outside of the building.  I'm really not sure if they will be allowed up if the winds are that strong. We may lose the wages, but I'd rather he was safe.

So, as long as we have cellphone coverage, we'll be in touch by email, blog or phone.  We'll be skyping family in the morning too, just in case we can't again for a while.

Stay warm people!

Sandy

When I left work Thursday said the usual "See you Monday" to my boss.  He said something back about maybe not, because of the storm.  I assumed he was exaggerating.

Then today at the playground my friends confirmed the dismal forecast of a massive storm coming straight for us early next week.  So, we watched the news this evening (which we don't normally do, it's too depressing!). 

Uh-oh!  This is a major storm that looks like it's coming right for us and that's not good.  It was only a couple of years ago that our power was out for 3+ days when a near-tornado ripped through our town.  This storm has sustained winds of 50mph+ and gusts of 80mph. They're expecting 6"of rain by Tuesday.

Please keep us in your prayers as we hunker down. I guess I'd better add some water and other canned goods to my grocery list this weekend!!

Financial Peace

For a few weeks Scott and I have been attending Financial Peace University at church.  It's a 9 week course for helping you form and achieve financial goals, repay debt and live in peace and freedom.

The content of the course is nothing new, in fact it's thousands of years old!  Dave Ramsey uses biblical principles on finances and wisdom to provide a framework for having peace financially. Did you know that God never intends for us to get into debt?

The rich rule over the poor,
    and the borrower is slave to the lender.

Proverbs 22: 7 

Anyone with a mortgage can attest to that!  Credit cards too - now, I was brought up to pay my credit card balance off each month and I have.  But so many people are getting 1/2% interest on what little they save and paying 18% interest on their credit card debt!

I think tonight we are going to be challenged to cut up our credit cards - nnnggggg!!!  That's a security blanket for emergencies, but also a trap!!

It's not just about paying down debt, the most important key is the budgeting.  I have always been incredibly diligent about tracking where our money has gone, but not so good about telling it where to go in the first place!  It just seems to run off like a dog off the leash.

So, really for the first time we are doing detailed budgeting (using these great forms).  It was scary at first, and we may still have to make adjustments to our lifestyle money to cover our future, but that seems doable now.  We have a simple, practical plan to follow together, and teach our kids.

In the past we never really fought about money (thank God for that) but there was always a level of tension.  We didn't know how to work together to take charge of our money, it was always just one of us trying to take the lead and the other feeling controlled.

But now, following the rules, we sit down together for a 17 minute (!!) budget planning committee meeting where I (the nerd) present my budget proposal to Scott (the free-spirit) for editing.  We are both fairly competitive (ok, I'm a lot competitive!) and it's fun to try and avoid spending, because now we can see exactly what we are saving.  If we don't use our allocated money for groceries, it can go in the entertainment fund, or home improvement.

Last night we watched football and enjoyed a cup of tea (yes, me - I know I would never have done that in the UK!!) and I realized just how much I was able to relax.  No fretting over where we are financially or questioning Scott on his spending.

Has our income changed?  No.  Has our outgoing changed? No!  We are just in control and working together for our family and future.  

Worrying about your finances is a worthless pursuit that keeps us captive to the need for more money, no matter how much we have.  Wanting more money, especially when we think it will give us peace or happiness is like chasing the end of a rainbow.

The Bible is clear that “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.  Matthew 6:24

So, we are making our money work for us as we live to serve God.  And it feels great!!

Catch-up

I know, I've been neglecting you - not intentionally I assure you!  We've been all kinds of crazy busy, which is a good thing.  Where to start our catch-up?  The kids of course!

After Toby's birthday, he and I went to the mall while Emma was at school so he could spend his gift card, and he chose this cute dog guitar which he wondered around Target strumming! He got a monster truck, nerf guns (there's no getting away from them, boys just want guns!) and a new shirt.

A few days later he hit the jackpot of cars with this pack of cars from Aunt Julie and Sean.  For a couple of days he wanted to bring the whole pack back and forth to Nanna's!  I took all the cars out and put them in his car bin!

We managed to hit the park one morning before school.  This is a fine age, where they can play together and don't require my input.  Come on - sometimes you just need a break!!

Friday night, Paige and Lainey came over and Toby and Paige were best buds as usual.  (They are cousins people, so don't even go there!!)

I've been getting uber-creative with the french braids, leading to this latest masterpiece.  Emma is really awesome about letting me do this - mainly because of all the attention she gets!  (I think somewhere I took a wrong turn in having a daughter who didn't care what people think, to one who is eager for the praise and attention.  Oops)

Last night I came home to this - I'm always nervous when the kids + Scott are together in the kitchen! 

They were making "yucky soup" which certainly had an appropriate name!

Then it was baths and off to bed - super hero style!!

Hopscotch

I just want to point out that this is one of those things I didn't know I'd ever see!!

Where is the love?

For the first time in a while I have a down-time Saturday and I'm resisting the never-ending chores and tasks that will get done eventually, in order to relax and chill.

I found myself watching an episode of Jersey Shore for the first time.  Wow, this is really what our teens and young adults are watching and buying into?!  We are headed for a rocky future.

Then I caught the Top 100 Number Ones, music videos galore.  I see Beyonce, who I seem to recall was a Christian when she got famous, making music videos suggesting anything but!  Call me a prude, fine, but I remember wondering why most guys you meet as a single woman are only after one thing - and realizing that there are plenty of women in the media telling them they can get it! 

Then I saw this Black-Eyed Peas video... I don't know their music well, and refrain from endorsing them in anyway, but listen to the lyrics of this song:

One line really stood out to me:

"If you never know truth then you never know love"

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  

John 14:6

What is the truth that Jesus claims to be?

There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends.

John 15:13

And that's the gospel, the truth if you will.  Jesus was the very incarnation of God's love - to live and die for you and I, not because of what we've done but because God IS love and he wants relationship with us (and that requires something satifies the penalty of our sin.)

Believing the truth is the first step, but it requires a response of repentance, once you realize that Jesus died to repay the cost of your living independently from God.  What does repentance look like?  

Admit you are a sinner.  Sin is even just making decisions without seeking God's will - independence from him, which was never his plan.

Believe in Jesus.  Become a child of God by receiving Christ.  It's not a feeling, or an action, but a decision to receive the gift of Christ's substitution for you.

Confess that Jesus is your Lord.  In view of God's actions to reconcile with you, to die for you out of love, agree to live under His guidance and His great wisdom.  Since God is love we can trust that He wants the best for us - but He also has the means to provide it!

So, now you know the truth, and the love.  If everyone lived according to the will of Christ, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  If we all lived like this, then the world would truly be a better place.

And then maybe I wouldn't have to worry so much about my kids growing up!

Quote of the Day

Heading out in the car with the kids on a workday...

Toby:  I not go to Nanna's.  You not go to work.  :(

Me: I'm sorry buddy, I have to go to work.

Emma:  She has to go to work Toby, or we won't be able to go to college.

Last night the kids were watching The Incredibles, a birthday gift for Toby and one he loves!  Scott was in the attic and I had popped upstairs for some reason.  When I came downstairs Emma was hiding in the dining room.  I assumed it was from the movie (she really dislikes scary bits), but after some questions I discovered she was scared because she'd dropped some apple slices and peanut butter on the floor and thought I'd yell.

She was probably right, I yell in reaction to things way before I ever think about them.  I hate that about myself and try hard to curb it.  I've been watching my tone with Scott because I can be really patronizing (and disrespectful) to him, and it's clear the kids pick up on tone too - not just loud yelling, but also exasperation or impatience.

Because my heart had already gone out to Emma being scared, before I knew what had happened I was able to respond more lovingly and assuringly.  I also was not trying to do a bunch of other things that were "important" at the time!

Then I read the following article today...and see that I can give my kids the gift of peace and reasonable behavior, if I really try.  (And avoiding fatigue, hunger, lateness and self-righteousness will be a big help!!)

The Danger of Yelling at Your Kids and Ways to Be a Calmer Mom

If you've found yourself shrieking at your child - and regretting it - this advice is for you.

My husband, our two kids, and I were enjoying an idyllic trip to Hawaii, driving up the winding (and dangerous) Road to Hana and taking in the beauty of the cliffs and coastline. And then it happened. For no apparent reason, my son, then age 5, threw a water bottle from the backseat toward my husband, and it hit the windshield with a ferocious bang. By some miracle, we didn't crash, but we did lose control...big-time. Both my husband and I were ranting, raving, screaming, threatening: "Why would you do that? Don't you know we could have been killed? Here we are taking you on the vacation of a lifetime, and you throw a water bottle for no reason?" And on and on we went, spewing way more venom than our preschooler could ever deserve or even comprehend, for that matter.

Tears began rolling down our son's cheeks, and his lip quivered as he fought back sobs. After what I'm sure seemed like an eternity to him, we calmed down and continued on our way, and I tried to bury the incident in the back of my mind. 

I had almost forgotten all about it when, a few weeks later, I replayed our Hawaii-trip video. There I was, recording a waterfall out the window of the car. I tucked the camera into its bag - accidentally leaving it still recording - and then the "water bottle incident" occurred. Though the screen was black, I heard my husband and myself screaming at our son, badgering him, shaming him. 

Then it was my turn to fight back tears. How could I have freaked out like that in front of my kids, at my kid? The rant sounded so much more vicious and vile than I remembered its having been, but there it was on tape - proof that I was the worst mother in the world. I may have erased that incident from the vacation video, but I don't think I'll ever be able to erase it from my memory. 

Like it or not, most of us parents flip out in front of our dear children from time to time. Sometimes the anger is aimed at them, other times not, but it's almost always a deeply unsettling experience. Fortunately, there are simple - sometimes surprising - steps you can take to repair the damage, not to mention avoid meltdowns in the future.

The High Price of Losing It

First, recognize that regularly lashing out at or in front of your kids isn't par for the parenting course. It can do some very real damage to their psyches, says psychologist Matthew McKay, Ph.D., a professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA, and coauthor of When Anger Hurts Your Kids. "Studies have shown that parents who express a lot of anger in front of their kids end up with less empathetic children. These kids are more aggressive and more depressed than peers from calmer families, and they perform worse in school. Anger has a way of undermining a kid's ability to adapt to the world," McKay says.

Gulp. And the younger the kid, the bigger the impact, experts say. "When children are little, you're their universe," says psychologist Robert Puff, Ph.D., author of Anger Work: How to Express Your Anger and Still Be Kind. "When you get angry, their world is shaken. By the time they get older, they have friends and other people in their lives to turn to, and that minimizes the impact." Also worth noting: The occasional, nonabusive freak-out is generally much less damaging than regular fireworks, which send a child the message that he or she is not safe and that there's something wrong with him, says McKay. 

That said, kids can actually learn an important lesson from seeing you lose your temper and then regain your cool. "This provides an opportunity to show kids that we all get angry, but what really counts is how we repair things afterward," says McKay. Here, the step-by-steps for doing just that.

When You Shriek at Your Kids

Real-mom meltdown: When Jennifer*, of Huntington Beach, CA, went to visit Disneyland with her three kids, she didn't realize the "happiest place on Earth" would be the setting for one of her ugliest parenting moments. "It was a big outing for us, and the park was very hot and crowded that day," she recalls. "Two of my kids have cystic fibrosis and could use a special pass to bypass the lines. But my 13-year-old went and lost his. Out of nowhere, I yelled, 'You've got to be bleeping kidding me. What the hell is wrong with you?' Immediately, my son started to cry. He had never heard me swear or be so mean to him, and he was devastated. Everyone standing around us was looking at me in disgust. I had to keep apologizing. Tears were streaming down my face because I had obviously hurt him so much." 

A University of New Hampshire study found that 90 percent of parents admitted to having hollered at their children, ages 2 to 12, within the course of a year (the other 10 percent must have either been angels or had selective memories).

To avoid a scream-fest, try this trick: In that white-hot moment of anger, visualize your child as a baby, says Sandra P. Thomas, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, and coauthor of Use Your Anger: A Woman's Guide to Empowerment. "Older kids and teens are not adorable like babies, and sometimes they can be very obnoxious," she explains. "When you remember them as the babies they once were, that can do some good." 

So can taking a break. "If you're able, take a time-out and walk into another room, even if it's just for a minute or two," says psychologist Laura J. Petracek, Ph.D., author of The Anger Workbook for Women. The key here is getting some literal distance from the situation and recovering your sense of calm. 

If your anger has already boiled over, the most important thing now is to own up to what you've done wrong. Don't give in to the temptation to blame your child for triggering your outburst. "Say, 'I am very disappointed at your carelessness, but I shouldn't have yelled like that. It was wrong for me to lose it in that way, and I'm very sorry,' " advises Thomas. (Tip: Don't overdo the apology - if you dwell on it, it can make a kid feel as if he's truly been victimized.) Then promise that you will try your best not to do it again, comfort your child as needed, and move on.

When You Spar With Your Spouse

Real-mom meltdown: Angie*, of Seattle, says life has been particularly stressful since her husband lost his job - and their arguments sometimes play out in front of daughter Lexi, age 3. "Just last night, I was yelling at him for not cleaning the house," she confesses. "Lexi came over, tugged on my shirt, and said, 'Be nice to Daddy.' The look in her eyes was one of terror; it stopped me in my tracks. We eventually made up and tried to assure her that Mommy and Daddy still loved each other, but I don't know if she bought it." 

It can be devastating for a child to see her parents get furious with each other, warns Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger at the University of South Florida. It's important to circle back quickly and do damage control. Don't try to explain the situation away by reciting a laundry list of ways in which your spouse provoked you - this will only further embroil your children in the drama and stress. "Instead, you might say, 'I was really mad at your dad earlier. We've talked about it, and we're working it out. People who live together get angry sometimes. We're sorry for yelling. We still love each other,' " Thomas recommends. Even if you still want to throttle your spouse, telling your kids you are smoothing things over will help ease their fears and make them feel more secure.

If you can, emphasize what you'll do differently next time, says Jerry Deffenbacher, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Colorado State University, who studies anger issues; this will help a child learn from the experience. For instance: "I was mad that your dad burned the garlic bread, but I apologize; I shouldn't have shouted at him like that. I was frazzled from a really hard day. Next time, we'll remember to set the kitchen timer when we use the oven." 

Keep further comments to a minimum. Overexplain yourself, and you could wind up turning your kid into a mediator or therapist, cautions Puff. There's no need to drag her even deeper into your drama.

When You Argue With a Stranger

Real-mom meltdown: While Fiona*, of Detroit, was buckling her youngest son into his car seat after a trip to a bakery, an older driver pulled up near her and began honking. "He was screaming, 'Close your f--door!' without having given me any warning that I was blocking his spot. I raged right back, 'Can't you see I'm putting my baby in his car seat, you $%*#@?!' My tween in the backseat was pretty rattled by my outburst, and I felt horrible about it."

Your first instinct might be to apologize to your kids for having gotten mad - but don't. Everyone gets angry, so you shouldn't be sorry for having experienced this emotion. (This is especially important if you have daughters - girls from a young age are told they shouldn't show anger, says Puff, encouraging them to bottle up their feelings.)

Instead, tell the kids what set you off. Explains McKay: "You might say, 'That man said something that really hurt my feelings, and I got very upset.' " Next, apologize for how you expressed your anger. "Make sure they know that swearing - or whatever you did - was not the appropriate reaction," says Thomas. "Emphasize that you would never want them to act that way." Also say you are sorry if your outburst scared or embarrassed them. (Let's face it - it probably did.) Explain that you let your emotions get the best of you, and that you'll handle it better next time. And then comes the real challenge: making sure that you do.

Short-Circuiting Your Anger

To keep your cool going forward, follow these ground rules:

• Ask the right question When a child is being difficult and your temper is about to flare, follow this advice from McKay: Instead of thinking, Why is he doing this to me?, focus on the child; he's probably acting out for a reason. Is he hungry, bored, tired, or in need of attention? Try to meet his need instead of letting your anger get the best of you.
• Keep an anger journal that documents when you lose your cool. "Look for patterns - what time of day do you get angriest? Under what circumstances?" advises Deffenbacher. "Once you identify those anger 'flash points' in your life, brainstorm ways to minimize them." You can even get your kids in on the act: Say, "It irritates me when you ignore your chores - how can we make this a better situation?" By giving your kids a voice, you're empowering them to be part of the solution.
• Minimize marriage spats "In a calm moment, you and your spouse should agree to handle your next argument differently," Deffenbacher says. "Give yourselves permission to walk away if you're getting too angry in front of the kids. Develop a code word for when you are getting really mad, and let that signal that you'll discuss the issue later, in private, when you're calmer."
• Talk through your emotions out loud when you're with your kids and a stranger annoys you. "Say, 'Wow, that person just cut me off - how rude! But maybe there's an emergency she had to deal with, or she just didn't see me. Whatever the case, I'm not going to let it ruin my day,' " recommends Deffenbacher. By doing this, you're modeling how to handle life's everyday frustrations - and how to control your anger before it controls you.

-By Julie Taylor

Birthday boy

My baby is now three - didn't that go fast?!

Toby's party was a lot of fun, and because I kept it pretty simple, there was more clean-up than set-up!

I ordered a bunch of inflatable baseball and sports toys from OrientalTrading.com - cheap and not dangerous, perfect!  As we did for Emma's second birthday, we "borrowed" the church for a safe and large space for the kids to play, without weather issues - so thankful to have a fun-loving pastor who allowed us to do that.

It was all done without Toby's knowledge, so it was a fun surprise for him - one of his favorite things to do, with all his friends (16 including Emma!) for two straight hours!  Oh, and some cake and juice thrown in for good measure.

Here's some of the pictures I took, when I remembered too...

Fun times!

The picture wall!

 

And home plate!

 

Oh yes, I still feed him - often the only way to get him to eat!! I should probably stop!!

Paige enjoys her cake!  The blue icing stained everything, my hands and nails were still blue yesterday!

 Emma and Abby had a blast together.

 So much for not liking cake - that's at least two pieces by my count!

So many toys, what to do?!...

Our friends brought this horse over for Toby totally out of the blue.  The kids love it and Emma (wanting to be Jessie) is fighting hard to get her share of turns!

Cute yes, but he took it right off!  We're going to change it for something he will use.  I guess he just isn't into dress-up.  I'm kind of glad about that!

Good times with Dad!

Growing Up

Toby had a great birthday today.   This morning he had a couple hours with 16 of his closest friends playing baseball and other games.  This is really the first party where he has understood the "party" system and enjoyed being the star and also getting lots of presents.  His favorite?  The Thomas the Tank Engine CARD that we gave him!   What can I tell you, kids are strange creatures!!  Of course he did not play with the card, but all the other things!

I'll have pictures and videos for you in the next few days, including the huge rocking horse one of our friends brought over for him as a surprise to us all!

And now, some rest!

Chip off the old block

Emma is going to turn 5 in a few short weeks, which is totally awesome.  She's so ready for it and declaring lots of things that she is going to do when she is 5!

We always worried that she would have a hard time growing, only to find out recently she is in the 68th% for weight - coming from under the 5th%!!  This is awesome and the nutritionist says she looks fabulous.  Emma has a healthy appetite to say the least, and it works out well because she is willing to eat most things, but does not have my sweet tooth. 

That said, all the 5T shirts (from Target at least) shrink when I dry them and become too short, so her little pot belly pokes out the bottom.  I feel bad for her, she has no idea and I don't want people to think she's fat when likely she has a weakness in her abdominal muscles because of Moebius and is long in the torso.

So yesterday, we went to Target for groceries...

It's this or the kids pretend to be garbage men hanging on both sides!!

...and I picked up a few shirts on clearance - from the big girl section!! 

This was the first time we shopped there, and I realized they have really cute stuff that is more expressive of her personality and is much much longer!  I got short-sleeved because a)on clearance, and b) based on length, long sleeves would be too long! 

Her favorite shirt, and thus the one she wore to school a couple of hours later was this one:

Apparently the designs bring about an even more exuberant personality in my little princess!!



And today we went with this, which solidified the "superstar" persona!

One thing is for sure, it takes clothes this bright and exciting to reflect the personality of the little girl wearing them!!

Food Baby

It's not good when you look at yourself in the mirror and you look about 4 months pregnant, when you're not!!  This morning I sure had a little "food baby" paunch and I had to confess I've gained some weight.  No, there is no justifiable reason, I just have been eating whatever I want 95% of the time!

I actually lost about 10lbs before I got appendicitis, but it all came to a halt when I started to comfort eat after surgery.  Not because of stress, but convenience and near-death reward!!

Of course, it continued thereafter with numerous deadlines before I'd get back to a more disciplined pattern, and today, I hit the necessary bump in the road/belly!!

Anyway, in my new consciousness I found this really interesting article, and thought I'd share it... (P.S. please feel free not to offer me any cakes or bread for a while!)

New research about how we store fat will help you keep your hands off the muffins.

When we think about losing weight, most of us focus on two things: the food we eat and the stomach where it ends up. The first part makes sense. But the second part is misguided. It's not a big stomach that gives us our beer belly, but a layer of fat called the omentum, which hangs in front of our intestines and stomach. And it's how food interacts with our small intestine, not our stomach, that helps determine how big the omentum gets.

Let's start with the small intestine. The first thing to note is that it's where food is absorbed into the body. You can actually live without much of a stomach (think of all those people who get gastric-bypass surgery — their stomachs are reduced to the size of a walnut), but you cannot survive without a small intestine.

Maybe you knew that much. But here are three things you didn't know about your gut.

1. Marijuana is the future of medical weight loss. Okay, not really, but it's like this: The omentum, the flabby thing located near the stomach, is the most important part of your body's fat-delivery system. It stores fat for when you really need it — like when famine season is approaching (i.e., never). There are receptors in the omentum that cause people to want to eat; back in famine time, these receptors made people chow on ants, worms, seeds — anything that would help store extra fat for when food became scarce. Oddly, these same receptors in your brain sense marijuana, which is why you get the munchies when you smoke pot. (Hence their name: cannabinoid receptors.) Bad things can happen when they become stimulated by pot or stress: Not only does your omentum begin storing fat — making you fatter — it also instructs the liver to make more cholesterol, and it triggers your muscles to ignore the natural effects of insulin, which can cause diabetes. Researchers have found recently that some of us are genetically predisposed to having these receptors work against us, and scientists are currently working on new diet drugs that are rooted in the way illegal narcotics work. The good news? It's in the nature of the omentum to want to make itself disappear. If you eat well and exercise fairly consistently, you'll lose as much as two inches of omental fat in one month.

2. Eating fiber before 10 a.m. is easy and essential. Why is breakfast good for you? How can it be good for you to eat more food when you're dieting? Well, it's not, if that food is a bag of doughnuts. But if you have a high-fiber breakfast, the fiber will slow down the absorption and the movement of food through your intestines. It slams shut this valve at the end of the small intestine called the ileal brake — like the brake on a train that the conductor pulls. It literally closes, because the small bowel feels the fiber in it and doesn't want to let go of it, so the food moves more slowly through your system. And guess what? You're full for longer.

3. Your small intestine has moods. You can actually keep your small intestine healthy and happy. Yes, happy. It contains as many neurons as your spinal column. In many ways, the small intestine is like a second brain. Ninety-five percent of your serotonin — the brain's mood-regulating chemical — is contained in your small intestine's elaborate network of nerves. That's a big reason why we feel strong emotions like fear, anticipation, and love deep in our guts as well as our minds. The intestine's nerves can also suffer from the same diseases that affect the brain. A lack of adequate serotonin in the gut can cause an irritable bowel, just as low levels in the brain can cause depression.